I weighed in on Saturday and amazingly enough I was down 3 lbs.  I could not believe it.  That stupid scale has been showing a small gain for weeks despite my effort.  I just hope that it’ll keep going down.  I really am trying.  I’ve been tracking my food and trying to keep it under 1500 calories.  I’ve been exercising – trying to get in 4 workouts per week at least.  That’ll increase when I can get myself a swimsuit and return to the pool as well.  We just re-upped our membership to the Y so that’s cool.  Fall is definitely here. It’s been getting dark out earlier.  I love Fall, but I don’t like that part of it. 

This morning (a Monday), as usual I had some difficulty getting up and getting ready for work.  I just didn’t want to go to work. That’s quite typical for me on most Monday’s I think.  This morning though I felt a little more emotional than I have been.  I even cried on my drive to work.  Sometimes I think things just build up and then release.  Yesterday, the 20th marked 13 years since I had my last miscarriage.  I can’t believe we’d have a 12 year old right now.  I’ve had two miscarriages.  My first and fourth pregnancy.  I was disappointed about the first of course, but I was also young and not quite married so I figured there was reason for it.  My fourth, however, was more difficult.  I had always wanted four kids.  I do have four kids, it just so happens that only two are surviving.  I love them to bits too.  They are almost 21 and 18.  I can’t believe they’re already adults. Time flies.  I often time find myself crying too because time flies and I miss some of the younger days. I think perhaps it’s this midlife time that is a bit rough for me.  We wrapped our lives around the kids and their activities.  Now, that they’re graduated and off doing their thing, it’s a bit tough to get used to.  I’ve struggled with the idea of going back to school, but I just don’t know if I really want to or not.  I find myself feeling quite dissatisfied with my present job, but is that because I want something different for work, or I’d just rather not have to work so much?  I really would like to see my husband own his own business and me just work along side him.  I know it’d be a lot of work, but I think it’d be great.  Of course, that all requires money…money we do not have.  I think that too is tough, to be in our 40’s and struggling so much financially.  Lack of money also weighs into the whole school thing. Sure, I could get student loans, but that’s more debt on top of all the student loan money I already owe (from my past failed attempts at school).  SIGH

And, what would I go to school for?  I toss around the idea of either graphic design (because I enjoy photography and videography) or something in the health and wellness field because I think I’d like to help others who are fighting the obesity monster.  I don’t know. 

Then, there’s this knee pain.  I can’t stand it.  It’s been aggravating me for a week now and really there’s nothing that can be done about it.  I’ve got some arthritis and bone on bone issues and my weight just makes it all worse.  I have cried at times because I can’t stand the pain.  It sucks! 

My husband has been dealing with a poor gall bladder. He sees the doctor again today.  He hasn’t been able to eat much at all. When he does, a  lot of the time, it comes back up.  The pain is excruciating.  I’m assuming he’ll need surgery; I just don’t know when it’ll be.  I’m sure he’s wishing it was sooner than later.  He’s quite sick of it too. 

I think I just needed to rant a little.  I’ll probably cry a little more too.  Crying does seem to help.