Emotional Sunday

It’s been a while again.  I keep saying I want to blog more and then I don’t.  I’ve been busy with school, but am still unemployed.  Only now unemployment has run out so I have no income! Please pray or send positive thoughts that I find something soon.  I’ve been doing some transcription but it pays next to nothing when you’re starting out.  Hopefully, I can get better and start to earn some real income from it.  Working from home would be ideal!

Yesterday I was feeling a bit emotional and I cried some tears.  Today, however has been even worse.  This morning after my daughter left for work, I broke down.  I went into my room and snuggled with my prayer pal and just let the tears flow.  I cried for a good half hour at least.  Then I had to eat some breakfast and get ready for church.

I have good days and bad days still.  I imagine I will for quite some time.  I hate this divorce.  I still think it sucks! I am still upset that he wasn’t interested in trying marriage counseling. I’m still heartbroken! I’ve been beating myself up these past couple of days, blaming myself for all of it.  I figure if he wanted out, it must be my fault.  As a result, I feel horrible.  Today there was a post on Facebook that he’s at a mud run with this girl and a group of others.  They’re probably just friends but the mere thought of him having a girlfriend kills me inside.  It’s highly possible.  We are divorced.  It was finalized last Tuesday.  Technically, he has every right.  But it still kills me.  I can’t even think about seeing anyone right now.  It’s way too soon and besides, my self-esteem is in the toilet.  I have none.  I don’t think I’m good enough for anyone right now.  I obviously need to learn to love myself.  If only I could see myself the way God sees me!  That was the topic at church today.  After church, I visited the grave of my dear sister friend Heidi and then my mom and grandparents graves.  I cried so much at all of them.  I complained to my mom about this divorce and how hurt I am.  I wish she and my grandparents were here to hug!  Boy do I miss them!

So, yes the divorce was finalized last Tuesday. I got teary eyed at court. Nobody knew but me. After we left the courtroom, I turned to my ex and said that I disagreed with it. I told him I think we could have worked it out had we went to marriage counseling.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything, but I did.  I couldn’t help it.  The first thing I did when I left there was buy chocolate…as if that helps.  Then, I made an appointment to get my nails done.  I figured I deserved a little pampering I guess.  I never get my nails done so it was something different.

This past Monday, I had an appointment with the bariatric surgeon.  I will be having surgery on April 30.  I’m getting the sleeve gastrectomy.  So, right now I’m on a pre-op diet.  It’s not easy that’s for sure. Especially being so emotional, I just want to eat something I know I shouldn’t!  But I’m not.  I’m being good.  After the surgery, I’ll be on liquids only for two weeks!  I don’t know how I’m going to get through that!!

Well, I suppose that’s it for now.  I should try to get some school work done.  I have two papers due tomorrow night!

Peace – Love – Smiles

About DorothyMarie

I'm 47 years old, divorced with two adult daughters. My youngest lives with me. Between the two of us, we have five dogs. Two Pitbull Terriers (Oaklee and Aspen), one German Shepherd (Xena), one long haired Husky (Kaya) and one Pomeranian (Teddy Bear). I started school in January of 2018 and am studying Psychology. I have a long road ahead of me but am excited about it.
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2 Responses to Emotional Sunday

  1. Cathy says:

    Hi Dottie~ I already wrote you one comment and lost it due to not remembering my password. argh~ Just wanted to say that I cannot imagine being in the middle of your grief you are going through because of the divorce. But I pray for you and hope each week gets better. Also praying for your surgery. I need to lose a lot of weight myself, and will do more liquid dieting and pray for you while I do it with you. Mega hugs, Cathy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for the prayers and the hugs! I can definitely use them. I finally stopped crying a couple hours ago and watched American Idol. I just want to move on and be happy again. I know I’m responsible for my own happiness but right now I feel like I’ll never find it! God be with me! God bless you as well. Take care!

      Liked by 1 person

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