It’s been a while again.  I keep saying I want to blog more and then I don’t.  I’ve been busy with school, but am still unemployed.  Only now unemployment has run out so I have no income! Please pray or send positive thoughts that I find something soon.  I’ve been doing some transcription but it pays next to nothing when you’re starting out.  Hopefully, I can get better and start to earn some real income from it.  Working from home would be ideal!

Yesterday I was feeling a bit emotional and I cried some tears.  Today, however has been even worse.  This morning after my daughter left for work, I broke down.  I went into my room and snuggled with my prayer pal and just let the tears flow.  I cried for a good half hour at least.  Then I had to eat some breakfast and get ready for church.

I have good days and bad days still.  I imagine I will for quite some time.  I hate this divorce.  I still think it sucks! I am still upset that he wasn’t interested in trying marriage counseling. I’m still heartbroken! I’ve been beating myself up these past couple of days, blaming myself for all of it.  I figure if he wanted out, it must be my fault.  As a result, I feel horrible.  Today there was a post on Facebook that he’s at a mud run with this girl and a group of others.  They’re probably just friends but the mere thought of him having a girlfriend kills me inside.  It’s highly possible.  We are divorced.  It was finalized last Tuesday.  Technically, he has every right.  But it still kills me.  I can’t even think about seeing anyone right now.  It’s way too soon and besides, my self-esteem is in the toilet.  I have none.  I don’t think I’m good enough for anyone right now.  I obviously need to learn to love myself.  If only I could see myself the way God sees me!  That was the topic at church today.  After church, I visited the grave of my dear sister friend Heidi and then my mom and grandparents graves.  I cried so much at all of them.  I complained to my mom about this divorce and how hurt I am.  I wish she and my grandparents were here to hug!  Boy do I miss them!

So, yes the divorce was finalized last Tuesday. I got teary eyed at court. Nobody knew but me. After we left the courtroom, I turned to my ex and said that I disagreed with it. I told him I think we could have worked it out had we went to marriage counseling.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything, but I did.  I couldn’t help it.  The first thing I did when I left there was buy chocolate…as if that helps.  Then, I made an appointment to get my nails done.  I figured I deserved a little pampering I guess.  I never get my nails done so it was something different.

This past Monday, I had an appointment with the bariatric surgeon.  I will be having surgery on April 30.  I’m getting the sleeve gastrectomy.  So, right now I’m on a pre-op diet.  It’s not easy that’s for sure. Especially being so emotional, I just want to eat something I know I shouldn’t!  But I’m not.  I’m being good.  After the surgery, I’ll be on liquids only for two weeks!  I don’t know how I’m going to get through that!!

Well, I suppose that’s it for now.  I should try to get some school work done.  I have two papers due tomorrow night!

Peace – Love – Smiles