It’s been a while again. I keep saying I want to blog more and then I don’t. I’ve been busy with school, but am still unemployed. Only now unemployment has run out so I have no income! Please pray or send positive thoughts that I find something soon. I’ve been doing some transcription but it pays next to nothing when you’re starting out. Hopefully, I can get better and start to earn some real income from it. Working from home would be ideal!
Yesterday I was feeling a bit emotional and I cried some tears. Today, however has been even worse. This morning after my daughter left for work, I broke down. I went into my room and snuggled with my prayer pal and just let the tears flow. I cried for a good half hour at least. Then I had to eat some breakfast and get ready for church.
I have good days and bad days still. I imagine I will for quite some time. I hate this divorce. I still think it sucks! I am still upset that he wasn’t interested in trying marriage counseling. I’m still heartbroken! I’ve been beating myself up these past couple of days, blaming myself for all of it. I figure if he wanted out, it must be my fault. As a result, I feel horrible. Today there was a post on Facebook that he’s at a mud run with this girl and a group of others. They’re probably just friends but the mere thought of him having a girlfriend kills me inside. It’s highly possible. We are divorced. It was finalized last Tuesday. Technically, he has every right. But it still kills me. I can’t even think about seeing anyone right now. It’s way too soon and besides, my self-esteem is in the toilet. I have none. I don’t think I’m good enough for anyone right now. I obviously need to learn to love myself. If only I could see myself the way God sees me! That was the topic at church today. After church, I visited the grave of my dear sister friend Heidi and then my mom and grandparents graves. I cried so much at all of them. I complained to my mom about this divorce and how hurt I am. I wish she and my grandparents were here to hug! Boy do I miss them!
So, yes the divorce was finalized last Tuesday. I got teary eyed at court. Nobody knew but me. After we left the courtroom, I turned to my ex and said that I disagreed with it. I told him I think we could have worked it out had we went to marriage counseling. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything, but I did. I couldn’t help it. The first thing I did when I left there was buy chocolate…as if that helps. Then, I made an appointment to get my nails done. I figured I deserved a little pampering I guess. I never get my nails done so it was something different.
This past Monday, I had an appointment with the bariatric surgeon. I will be having surgery on April 30. I’m getting the sleeve gastrectomy. So, right now I’m on a pre-op diet. It’s not easy that’s for sure. Especially being so emotional, I just want to eat something I know I shouldn’t! But I’m not. I’m being good. After the surgery, I’ll be on liquids only for two weeks! I don’t know how I’m going to get through that!!
Well, I suppose that’s it for now. I should try to get some school work done. I have two papers due tomorrow night!
Peace – Love – Smiles