I’m not sure how long this one will end up being or how emotional or possibly depressing? Hmmm. It’s January and it marks one year since I was told I was no longer loved and that my ex wanted a divorce. And actually, he really didn’t come right out and say he wanted a divorce. I even asked and he said I don’t know! However, he was not interested in marriage counseling so what the hell? I also found out that he really was no longer interested at the end of summer 2017 but didn’t say anything because my then employer was starting to do layoffs and he just couldn’t bring himself to say anything. I have so many words for him for doing that. I was working at that time and he should’ve just come out and said it then. Life probably would’ve been a whole lot easier on me. But no, instead he waits until the new year after I’m unemployed and have nothing. Great timing. Ugh! I did not qualify for spousal support because I was the breadwinner for all those years. I worked for them for 28 years full time and I carried the benefits for our family during that time as well. I can’t even tell you how many jobs my ex had that he quit for one reason or another. But I stuck by his side through all of them. We went through some very low points because of his many times quitting jobs. I had to ask my great grandparents if I could borrow money to pay rent one time and I can’t tell you how awful I felt. It was the worst thing I had to do. I remember my counselor at the time asking me why I put up with that crap? I guess it’s because I felt so strongly about my wedding vows. In sickness and health, for richer for poorer…yada yada. My great-grandparents had a life long marriage. 70+ years at the time of their passing. That’s what I wanted. That’s what I lived for. And, that’s why I busted my ass after my ex cheated back in 2005 to forgive and trust again. That was NOT easy to do. I went to a lot of counseling. I was so uneasy all the time. I couldn’t go out with friends. I didn’t ever want to do anything unless it was with him. I didn’t like it if he called another woman dear or anything like that. It was an awful time, but I worked hard. Notice, I said “I”. He never went to counseling and we never went to counseling together either. That should’ve been a clue to me back then. But my kids were younger then and I did not want to be a single mother. I just wasn’t prepared for that I guess. That and my life’s goal was to have a life long marriage and I took my vows seriously. I had no idea that later down the road, I would be told “I don’t love you anymore, I want out.” What a slap in the face, if you ask me! He even said that things haven’t been the same since 2005! Jesus Mary and Joseph! I couldn’t believe those words came out of his mouth! I think he probably had another girlfriend and it was easy to just bail. But who knows. And really? Do I want to know?
At first, when I was told this, I thought life was over and for the first time I contemplated my own death! As I type this now, I can’t believe it. But yes, I didn’t think life was worth living at that moment. I was just tossed out like trash. Who would ever want me? I might as well not be here! I cried so much. And I’m not exactly sure what changed my mind, but whatever it was, I’m glad. Lesson#1, I’m not the cause of this. I’m not the reason he wanted out. This was his doing. And just because he didn’t love me anymore doesn’t mean it was my fault! The problem lies with him!
I’m so glad I realized that! I started to take little steps to move forward. Things were not easy. I had no job and no income. My unemployment ran out and I went through my 401K to get by. It sucks! 2018 was certainly a trying year. But it was also a year of self-discovery. Oh and I also was baptized on January 7 of that year as well. I was rather disappointed that neither of my girls came to witness the event. But my brother came and he recorded it and took some pictures so I was grateful for that.
In the last year, I have learned just how strong I really am. My brother told me that I was being held back and I’m finding that to be true now. I’ve made a lot of new friends. I get out and do things. I go places by myself now and I’m okay with that. I drove to Tennessee to visit my uncle. That’s the furthest I’ve driven on my own. Prior to my divorce, I’d have never driven that far on my own. I hated to drive. But now, I don’t mind it. I returned to school as well and I’m studying psychology of all things! Oh my psychiatrist believes that some of my mental illness issues may have been a result of my previous relationship with my ex. When he first suggested that, I was like what! It kind of shocked me. But when I sat and really thought things through…it made sense.
Lesson #2, he wasn’t the one. Even though we were married for 26+ years, he just wasn’t the man I was meant to spend the rest of my days with. I don’t believe I’m destined to be alone. There’s someone for me. God has someone special in mind for me. I just have to be patient. It’s His time, not mine.
Although, I have to admit that being lonely really does suck. There are times when I just sit and cry because I miss the companionship. I don’t miss my ex or even being married necessarily. But I miss the companionship. There are times when I sit and thing, boy I’m ready for my life to move on. I’m ready for the next step. I’m ready to love again. And, it’s only been a year.
I suppose I’ll end it there for now. Wherever you are in this world, I wish you peace, love and happiness. Keep smiling.
Dottie May 🌻