It’s true, depression really does suck! It comes at you whenever and wherever it wants. I could be anywhere and suddenly start crying and the tears seem to be uncontrollable. It’s just awful! And when I’m out and away from home, it’s the worst because I can’t just hide in my room and let the tears flow. I have to maintain some kind of composure. It really is difficult at times. January is a difficult month now. It’s the one year anniversary of being told “I don’t love you anymore!” Those are some tough words to hear! And while I don’t miss him, it’s still hard to relive those words in my mind. Sometimes it makes it hard to believe that I may be loved again. Some days, I still feel like trash that has been thrown to the curb. All the while he has probably had a super enjoyable year because he got what he wanted…out! And he didn’t get stuck with the $1100 mortgage either and nearly a year of unemployment. No, while I sit and feel like I’m getting buried further and further, he’s living happily I’m sure…probably with a new girlfriend too! How lovely for him! Yes, thinking about that brings up some anger in me. I spent years supporting his ass and when he leaves, I get no support from him. It’s so completely unfair. Because I was the main breadwinner for all those years, I qualified for no spousal support!! It is unfair! All those damn times he quit his jobs because he didn’t like the boss or some other stupid reason…I was there by his side. “For richer for poorer…” Yeah those vows meant something to me! Even though my therapist at that time kept telling me…”why do you put up with that shit!” I know I’m repeating myself here and that I’ve discussed this before but I’m just so frustrated, hurt, angry, depressed that I have to vent again. My apologies. To top it off, my retirement…that I worked for all those years…yes I had to split it with him!! Again, I don’t think it’s fair. I feel if he wanted out of the marriage, then I don’t think he should be entitled to any of it. I feel I supported his ass long enough. It’s bullshit in my opinion!! Sorry for the language. I’m just tired of struggling so bad and got no help from him. All those times I was by his side and the one time I lose my job…he bails!! Look up asshole in the dictionary…I have a feeling I know what you’ll find. Again, I’m venting. And this is my blog and I have a right to do so. I have a right to my feelings. And guys (if there are guys reading this…) I’m sorry if you take any of this personally. But some men can truly be assholes! Some women can truly be bitches too. It goes both ways.
I have an interview today at 1 p.m. I’m hoping it goes well and that I can get some steady income. It doesn’t pay a whole lot, but it pays better than what I have been getting which is pretty much nothing. I need something so bad. So please send some well wishes and prayers if you are the praying type.
I updated my GoFundMe. No, I haven’t given up on that yet. I hate asking for money too but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. My PayPal link is still over on the side bar as well if you’d prefer to do that. Prayer and well wishes is more than welcome as well. I realize that so many are experiencing rough times and there are many who are worse off than me. I can’t wait until I’m in a better place and can give back!
Thanks for listening while I vented. Sometimes a girl just needs to do that. Things just build up inside and you need to let them out.
I may come back again later to let you all know how the interview went.
Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and happiness.
Dottie May 🌻