Hello Friends. I’m so sorry I haven’t been writing like I should. But I really need to get back to it. It was even suggested by my therapist.
It’s been a rough few weeks. Depression and anxiety are a bit high again. I’ve even gained a few pounds as a result because I gave into the chocolate cravings. And if you ask, did the chocolate help, I’m going to say yes. For some reason, chocolate does seem to soothe me a bit. But I need to get away from turning to it so much because I can’t keep gaining weight. I don’t want to go back to the super morbidly obese person I once was!
You’ll note the title of this post is “One Year Later…”. I can’t believe it’s been a year since signing the judgement of divorce. Technically it was last week, but I was overwhelmed last week. I’m happy to say I’ve managed to get through the year without being hospitalized! Quite frankly, that’s huge! Even my therapist has commented on how incredibly proud she is at how well I’ve done. From 2013 – 2016 I had been hospitalized a good 7 times. And 2018 was by far the worst year of my life having to deal with major job loss and divorce. And yes I fully realize many deal with much worse and it could’ve been worse. But for me, it was bad. I was always afraid to be alone and now all of a sudden I was forced to live alone. I did it…I’m doing it! I’ve done a lot of self discovery and I’ve learned just how strong I am. Non of my psych meds needed to be changed either which is also incredible. I believe I have my faith in Christ to credit for much of my fight. I know I wasn’t weathering the storm of life alone. I was baptized on January 7 last year. I became a member of my church on Easter Sunday. So I guess that’s another anniversary to be celebrated as well. When I signed those divorce papers, I was incredibly hurt. I hated it and I didn’t want it. I remember walking out of that court room and telling my ex, “I hope someone shatters your heart one day the way you’ve shattered mine!” To be quite honest, one year later I still feel the same. I know that’s probably not right.
Last week in church, the topic was forgiveness. It was such a hard thing to hear. I know in my mind that forgiving is for me..to release me. However, my heart is still struggling. I still harbor such hate and anger toward him. I blame him for much of what I’ve been through during the year as a result including losing the house recently. I know I need to forgive him. Christ forgave us and I need to do the same! It’s just SO hard!! Have you ever had to humble yourself and forgive someone who wronged or hurt you terribly? I would love to know how you did it.
I’m still trying to find a steady job/income so that I can find an apartment. I’m feeling defeated lately. Please pray for me if you’re the praying type. Or send positive thoughts if you’re not. I need to find something. Uber Eats Delivery is not enough. I’ve been applying like crazy to jobs. Most recently I applied with the USPS. Today I need to do an online assessment. I hope that goes well. I had an interview at a preschool/daycare center yesterday. It went okay. The job only pays $10/hour and I’m not sure if I could live on that once in an apartment? I pray the perfect job for me comes soon.
I’ve been doing a lot of coloring on my iPad. It’s been therapeutic for me. I post the pictures to my Instagram and Facebook. My therapist thinks I should write more too so I’m going to try to do that. I’ve always enjoyed writing and it too has been therapeutic. I don’t mind sharing my story. Maybe I can help someone who is also struggling?
Well, I suppose that’s all for now. I hope you all are doing well. Be blessed.
I wish you peace, love and happiness.
Dottie May 🌻