Where Have I Been?

Hello friends! It certainly seems like it’s been forever! My apologies. This will serve as a bit of an update as well as some thoughts.

I should’ve read my last post to see just how long it’s been. We are already in the middle of May and the weather is finally getting nice. Praise the Lord. I’ve been on a couple of bike rides both just over 10 miles! I was so proud of myself! I really enjoyed myself. I did post on You Tube of course. My depression isn’t quite as bad as it was and I’m not shoveling in the mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups like I was so that’s a good thing! I had been putting on weight because of the poor diet due to the emotional eating due to the depression. Yes I know nobody forced those things in my mouth. But I’m here to tell you that chocolate really does help make me feel better. It’s like a little hug. I know it might sound crazy to some but I believe it to be true. Anyway, since the weather has been getting nice, I’ve been able to get outside more and start walking and riding. It’s helped. I also took my first hike around a local lake the other day. It was a 2 mile hike and I think I did pretty darn well. I did stop mid-way through and sat on this big large log and just reflected and prayed and ended up crying. Nature is so soothing but it’s also a great place to connect with God. Thankfully nobody was around. It was just me and the birds and chipmunks and swans and any other animals I couldn’t see.

May 14 was the day I was out and that day would’ve been 30 years with my former employer Meijer. And coming up on May 24 would have been 28 years of marriage. So May is another bittersweet month. I sat there and thought about a lot of incidents and memories. I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past but when anniversary dates come around, it’s hard not to think about them. Also, Facebook is good at reminding you of things as well. And with a marriage, even your kids will bring things up at times. I remember hearing people talk about hindsight being 20-20 but never gave it a whole lot of thought until experiencing it now with divorce and losing my long time employment. It’s like these a-ha moments pop in my head and I see things so clearly that I never saw while living through the moments. And then I ask myself, “how did I not see that?” Life would be so much different had I realized these things back then. But it’s not my time, it’s Gods time…right?

I struggle. I get jealous at times seeing happy couples. I know jealousy is frowned upon and I shouldn’t be. But sometimes, it just hurts. Being alone is not easy. Now I’ve talked to some divorced women who say they will NEVER ever get married again and they are completely happy being alone. I’m not one of them. I’m not opposed to marriage again even though my heart was completely shattered and I was cheated on. I know that not all men are a-holes.

I’ve been working on purging items in the house. I donated two large bags of my ex’s clothes that he left behind and I donated five large bags of clothes that I no longer wear. Yesterday I went through this box and found all the sympathy cards that were sent to me when my mom passed away back in 2006! One of the cards was from the girl and her husband that my husband cheated on me with. Yes she was actually a friend of mine too. She was significantly younger than me and also married. That’s another story. I decided I did not need any of the cards and threw them all away. They’d been stashed in that box so long and were serving no purpose. I didn’t even shed a tear believe it or not. I just visited my moms grave too a couple days before Mother’s Day. There’s SO much in this house to go through.

I accepted a job at McDonald’s. I have been putting in tons of resumes but having zero luck trying to find anything significant. I don’t know why my problem is. It’s quite frustrating. I’d like to find something decent paying with insurance. But for now it’s McDonald’s. I start on Saturday working 11 to 2. I’ll have to let you all know how it goes. I’m quite nervous. I haven’t worked fast food since high school. I told my youngest daughter that I feel like I’m starting life all over again as a teenager except I’m older and instead of having no credit, I have horrible credit. I don’t have any idea where I’m going to live. I’ve applied to a couple apartment complexes but was turned down due to poor credit history. I’m not surprised. This last year, my credit tanked due to being out of work and not able to make payments and then my house being foreclosed didn’t help either. There are times that I wish my mom was still alive so I could live with my mom again. Although it’d be tough.

I am just holding on to my faith and praying that God will open a door. If you’re the praying type, please pray with me. If you’re a non-believer, just send me some sunshine and smiles and positive thoughts. I’d certainly appreciate it.

I’m so behind on reading blogs and I apologize.

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and smiles.

Dottie May

About DorothyMarie

I'm 49 years old, divorced with two adult daughters.
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