Grieving ~ Fears

Happy Saturday friends!

This past Tuesday, GriefShare started back up. We usually have the summer off. GriefShare is a support group for those who are suffering grief and loss. This is probably my fifth or sixth session of attending. I have lost several loved ones; both family and friends. However, my most recent losses having nothing to do with death. I shared these with the group. Most of them already know me and my issues. But we always share our stories and introductions during the first group if we are comfortable doing so. I always do because it helps to talk these things through and they are all there to help and support.

My most recent losses are my marriage, my job and my house. I will be honest, I was initially crushed when losing my marriage and for the first time, I contemplated suicide. I seriously thought my life was over anyway and those vows…I took seriously. Til death do us part. In my mind, if we were going to be apart, then death should be the reason. How is it someone just stops loving you after 26 years and chooses to be unfaithful? I struggled with that. I’m glad I didn’t follow through and glad I’m here to share. I still harbor ill feelings towards my ex though if I’m honest. He’s been able to declare bankruptcy and have his truck loan discharged. He had a place to live free (with his girlfriend). In my mind, it’s like the sinner was being rewarded. Why? is something I kept asking myself and God. My life has been a pretty chaotic storm since the divorce and I’m still waiting for the storm to clear. I have struggled so hard and have had feelings several times that I didn’t think it was fair that he is living so happy and carefree. I know I’m supposed to forgive him and every ounce tries. But I guess I’m just not ready. I feel like if I do then I’m saying it’s all good that your shattered my heart into a million pieces and threw me out like trash. It’s fine that you cheated. Deep down, I don’t feel it is. However, I do know that I’m better off without him and that there is someone else out there who will cherish me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I have not given up on love or marriage. Someday I hope to marry again….the right guy. My true soulmate that God has saved for me all this time.

Losing my job was also hard. I worked there for 28 years and a big part of me feared the unknown future. Looking back though, there were several times where I said I was sick of my job and wanted something different. Was this God’s way of pushing me?! Unfortunately, I haven’t found my dream job yet. I’ve submitted tons of resumes, but keep getting denials. Most of the time I don’t even get interviews. I’ve had my resume reviewed by Michigan Works as well as placement agencies and such. Yes, I’ve even tried getting jobs through the placement agencies where so many have had luck. Not me though. Still…nothing. So I’m doing Uber Eats deliveries. It gets me out and about and not sitting at a desk all day. I actually don’t mind it. I just wish everyday could be like yesterday as far as income. I made $119. Not bad for one day. I was pleased.

Losing my house isn’t easy either. I think the worst part is the bad marks on the credit report to be honest. I should have just tried to sell it on my own before it got to that point, but I didn’t have anywhere to go. Now, with such horrible credit, I can’t get in anywhere because they all look for good credit. I need to find someone to take me in. I know money can’t buy happiness…or so they say….but right now I think it could give me a lot of relief.

Fears…I haven’t talked on that yet. This was part of the GriefShare suggested journal idea. I do have some fears still. I’m afraid I’ll be alone forever. I’m afraid of not finding a place to live or income. I’m afraid I’ll lose more than I already have. I’m afraid of losing my car which right now is a lifeline. I used to fear death. That’s not such a fear anymore. I have found faith and know that I’ll be with my creator when death comes. But I hope that’s not for a long time. I feel like I have a lot of life left and my story isn’t over! I fear losing more loved ones. I fear getting too close to people because I don’t want to lose them. I fear heartbreak. Am I being ridiculous having so many fears!?

Thanks to those that follow and support me. I truly appreciate it. I wish you all a fabulous day/weekend!

Peace – Love – Smiles – Blessings

Dottie May ❤

About DorothyMarie

I'm 49 years old, divorced with two adult daughters.
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