Good morning friends and happy Saturday. Also, happy new month. I can’t believe we’re into May now. It’s my birth month! I’m turning 49 on the 25th. I can’t believe that either. Time sure flies doesn’t it?
I have a problem. I’ve been feeling so incredibly lonely lately. Like almost to the point of feeling physically sick. And, when I see couples holding hands or someone announcing their engagement, I feel tons worse. Jealousy much? Yes! I know it’s not right but I can’t help it or haven’t been able to help it yet. I’ve been divorced just over two years and I haven’t had a boyfriend at all in that time. Now I know, that’s not a very long time, but right now it’s feeling like it. I keep thinking I’m so ready to move on to the next chapter. But I know that its not something I have control over. I’m a believer so I know it’s in Gods hands. But I have been struggling with patience. I get so lonely that I’ve been talking to several people online. Unfortunately, you never really know who you’re talking to. Even pictures can’t tell the truth. So many people steal images off the internet and pretend to be someone they’re not. I hate that. Catfishing.
I actually put myself on a dating site, which I can’t believe I did. But I was hoping to meet some local guys. However, with this pandemic, meeting anyone is pretty difficult. I did meet a guy at a grocery store but he decided to go with another woman he met in the group. Yes, I’m also part of a few singles facebook groups. I don’t know if that really helps or hinders to be honest. Why can’t I just be happy with being single. And why are the feelings of loneliness so incredibly crippling?
Yesterday, I took myself to the lakeshore as it is my happy place. The sound of the waves hitting the shore is relaxing. I sat on the beach and all I could think about was how much more fun it’d be if someone was sitting next to me sharing in the moment. I have to get these thoughts out of my head because I’m not doing myself any bit of good. I know I have to be happy with where I’m at before anything else can come about. At least that’s what I’ve been told.
My therapist asked me what my happy would look like. I don’t need marriage or anything right now, but just having a relationship and someone to do things with and share experiences with, talk to, hug, cuddle and kiss. That would make me happy.
It’s supposed to be nice again today. I may go to the lakeshore again. I have a hard time staying inside when it’s so nice out. However, I will need to start some packing to prepare for moving. I’m still not sure when that’s going to happen yet. I wish someone would give me a date I guess. I would like to get an apartment of my own, but I haven’t been having good luck with that. My credit score sucks due to the divorce/losing my house and falling behind on everything. It’s a tough situation to be in.
I don’t know if this pandemic/stay home order is what is making things so much more difficult for me or what. It could very well be. I’m not seeing people like I used to. Not getting hugs or much conversation in person. Yeah, maybe that’s what it is. Our stay home order is supposed to be lifted on the 15th. We’ll see. I would love for things to open up and be able to visit people again. I miss my aunt and uncle a lot. I used to go to their place quite regularly. I do thank goodness for technology because at least we can keep in touch that way. But it’s not the same as face to face.
I hope you are all doing well. I thank you for following me and reading my posts. Writing does help some so I will plan to keep doing it. I post photos from the lakeshore to my Instagram so you can see those along the right. I’m also on Goodreads so you can see my progress and what I’m currently reading. I might try to do a little review on the books I read. I just am afraid that I’ll give away the story and I wouldn’t wanna do that. If you have some ideas for me on how to combat this lonely feeling, I’d love to hear them. For now, I’ll continue writing, coloring, listening to music and visiting the beach. I’ll try not to whine too much but I may just a little. That’s the purpose of a journal right? haha.
Take care lovelies and enjoy your day/weekend. I’ll be back soon.
Peace ~ Love ~ Smiles
Dottie May ❤