Good day friends! For those that don’t know, I have been divorced for a little over two years now. And, when it first happened, I was crushed! Heartbroken beyond words. For the first time, I contemplated suicide because I didn’t think I could go on living, life wasn’t worth it. I’m glad that I didn’t follow through with any of that. But these last two years haven’t been easy. They’ve been a couple of the most difficult years I’ve been through. I still feel like I’m battling a storm, but it isn’t as bad as it once was. This month, the 24th to be exact, would’ve been my 29th wedding anniversary. And, I’ve been doing some packing to prepare for my move. The room I’ve been working on was a catch all and full of stuff. I ran across my wedding pictures. Memories can be difficult…no doubt about it. But all of it got me thinking about my marriage. For the better part of the two years, I’ve been believing that it was my fault the marriage ended. I saw myself as a failure of a wife. How could I not be since he said he didn’t love me anymore. Must be me.
Well…I’m here to say that I have turned things around. A marriage takes two and it was his decision to end it. I’m now viewing the marriage as a life lesson. It wasn’t a failed marriage and I am no failure! I wasn’t my true self in that marriage. The real me was buried. Only after the marriage ended did I start to find the true me. I also have God to thank for knowing he wasn’t the right one. He did after all step outside the marriage back in 2005. And perhaps, that’s when it should’ve ended but I couldn’t do it. I accepted his apology and worked my butt off to trust again. That marriage taught me a lot. I have grown so much stronger and way more independent in the last couple years. I know that one day I will be the perfect wife for the man that is truly meant for me. I do accept my part in the marriage ending because like I said, it takes two. I wasn’t all together there (probably due to my depression) and that is probably why he stepped outside the marriage and fell out of love. I’m happy to say that I’m on a great path to healing and I’m even happier that I see things for the way they should be. My therapist was really happy with my new way of thinking as well.
I’m not going to say that the 24th won’t be difficult this year; because it still might be. I just am thankful that all those years I ago I wasn’t able to get married on my birthday (the 25th) like I had wanted to. Could you imagine how awful my birthday would be? God knew back then the best and He knows now. The end of the month beginning of next, I’ll be moving to a new place so it’ll be another step in healing. I will no longer be connected to this house and it’s memories. A new chapter is about to start and I couldn’t be more thrilled…and slightly nervous I won’t lie. I’ve been in this house since 2002 so a new place will definitely be different. But a good different.
If you have had a divorce…first I’m sorry you had to go through that. I don’t wish it on anyone. It’s tough. But please, if you’re blaming yourself…stop. I guess there would be instances where one could be to blame, like an abusive situation…but if that doesn’t apply then please know that it’s not your fault. A good marriage takes two working together. If one isn’t willing, then the marriage won’t work, simple as that. I’m completely over my ex now. Do I still harbor some ill feelings…yes especially knowing he’s happily engaged, was able to do bankruptcy so he has no issues financially…I do harbor some ill feelings. I need to work on those. But one thing at a time.
My next chapter is starting…and God willing it’ll be a much better chapter than the previous!
Thanks for following along in my life journey. I appreciate you.
Peace ~ Love ~ Smiles
❤ Dottie May