Struggling

Hello friends! Happy belated Easter to all of you. I hope you were able to have an enjoyable day. I’m not going to lie, my day was a little difficult. It started fine. I chose to go to the sunrise service at church at 7 a.m. It was held in the garden area of the church. Following the short service, a breakfast was served. I couldn’t eat much, but I did eat something. From there, I came home.

I didn’t get to see my daughters at all. But I texted both of them to say Happy Easter and I love you. I only heard back from my youngest. I was a bit sad that my oldest never responded. For the record, my girls don’t like talking on the phone so that’s why I texted.

Last week Sunday, I went to my brothers church to witness my youngest niece get baptized. Later in the day I got a Facebook message from the oldest niece indicating that they were planning on meeting for dinner on Easter at 5 and I was invited.

So yesterday, prior to meeting them I decided to go spend some time by the river and do some reading. The weather was beautiful and I’m trying so hard not to isolate. From there I went to the restaurant where I was supposed to meet my brother and his family. I got there and messaged my brother to let him know I was there. I then learned that the plan was never made because my brother and sister in law had to work at 5:15. So I was there for nothing. I was disappointed. So I left and got chocolate on the way home. I don’t know how I wasn’t in the know about the dinner not happening.

I’ve turned to those little mini Reese peanut butter cups! They’re definitely my weakness. And I hate that I keep losing to this horrible little devil! Last week, I had gained a couple more pounds. I hate seeing the scale go up and yet I still have turned to these little morsels for times of sorrow. I hate depression and I hate even more that I have this weakness! I thought I was stronger!

I woke this morning crying! Sometimes going on Facebook is difficult because of the memories it throws at you. I am glad I have my Oaklee. I’m not sure what I’d do without her. She seems to know when I need the cuddles.

I have so much to do with regard to packing this house and trying to find a place to live! It’s overwhelming! And this depression is making it 10,000 times worse because I lack motivation to do much of anything.

I hope things improve! And soon…At least the weather is better.

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

Dottie May 🌻

Posted in Anxiety/Depression | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

One Year Later…

Hello Friends. I’m so sorry I haven’t been writing like I should. But I really need to get back to it. It was even suggested by my therapist.

It’s been a rough few weeks. Depression and anxiety are a bit high again. I’ve even gained a few pounds as a result because I gave into the chocolate cravings. And if you ask, did the chocolate help, I’m going to say yes. For some reason, chocolate does seem to soothe me a bit. But I need to get away from turning to it so much because I can’t keep gaining weight. I don’t want to go back to the super morbidly obese person I once was!

You’ll note the title of this post is “One Year Later…”. I can’t believe it’s been a year since signing the judgement of divorce. Technically it was last week, but I was overwhelmed last week. I’m happy to say I’ve managed to get through the year without being hospitalized! Quite frankly, that’s huge! Even my therapist has commented on how incredibly proud she is at how well I’ve done. From 2013 – 2016 I had been hospitalized a good 7 times. And 2018 was by far the worst year of my life having to deal with major job loss and divorce. And yes I fully realize many deal with much worse and it could’ve been worse. But for me, it was bad. I was always afraid to be alone and now all of a sudden I was forced to live alone. I did it…I’m doing it! I’ve done a lot of self discovery and I’ve learned just how strong I am. Non of my psych meds needed to be changed either which is also incredible. I believe I have my faith in Christ to credit for much of my fight. I know I wasn’t weathering the storm of life alone. I was baptized on January 7 last year. I became a member of my church on Easter Sunday. So I guess that’s another anniversary to be celebrated as well. When I signed those divorce papers, I was incredibly hurt. I hated it and I didn’t want it. I remember walking out of that court room and telling my ex, “I hope someone shatters your heart one day the way you’ve shattered mine!” To be quite honest, one year later I still feel the same. I know that’s probably not right.

Last week in church, the topic was forgiveness. It was such a hard thing to hear. I know in my mind that forgiving is for me..to release me. However, my heart is still struggling. I still harbor such hate and anger toward him. I blame him for much of what I’ve been through during the year as a result including losing the house recently. I know I need to forgive him. Christ forgave us and I need to do the same! It’s just SO hard!! Have you ever had to humble yourself and forgive someone who wronged or hurt you terribly? I would love to know how you did it.

I’m still trying to find a steady job/income so that I can find an apartment. I’m feeling defeated lately. Please pray for me if you’re the praying type. Or send positive thoughts if you’re not. I need to find something. Uber Eats Delivery is not enough. I’ve been applying like crazy to jobs. Most recently I applied with the USPS. Today I need to do an online assessment. I hope that goes well. I had an interview at a preschool/daycare center yesterday. It went okay. The job only pays $10/hour and I’m not sure if I could live on that once in an apartment? I pray the perfect job for me comes soon.

I’ve been doing a lot of coloring on my iPad. It’s been therapeutic for me. I post the pictures to my Instagram and Facebook. My therapist thinks I should write more too so I’m going to try to do that. I’ve always enjoyed writing and it too has been therapeutic. I don’t mind sharing my story. Maybe I can help someone who is also struggling?

Well, I suppose that’s all for now. I hope you all are doing well. Be blessed.

I wish you peace, love and happiness.

Dottie May 🌻

Posted in life | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

Life is Hard

Hello friends! So, I’m not writing nearly as much as I’d like to. I didn’t know what to title this post but someone commented on my last post indicating life is hard and you know, it’s so true sometimes! Right now, I’m going through a tough storm. I feel like I’ve been weathering a storm for over a year since I initially lost my job of 28 years. I think that’s when it all started. Then it escalated when my now ex told me he wanted out of the marriage of nearly 27 years. He left and I got the house because it was inheritance from my great grandparents that got us the house. However, with no job it was impossible to pay the nearly $1,000 payment. And I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I didn’t qualify for spousal support. Why? Because I was the main breadwinner for all those years up until I lost my job. So unfair! Life…is hard!

I was happy when I landed a job in June. But then disappointed when they let me go in September because they couldn’t afford to keep me. And I wasn’t there long enough to collect unemployment.

I worked at Meijer for so darn long. I was so “Meijerized”. Finding employment was so hard! I didn’t find anything again until November. That was Shipt Shopping. It didn’t pay a lot, but it was something.

In January, I applied to do Uber Eats Delivery. I like that much better. I can get paid out each day. It also doesn’t pay a ton, but it’s something. I recently connected with an employment agency to help me find work. I had an interview last week for a part time job. This would be fine because I can supplement with the Uber job.

With all of this time of unemployment, I haven’t been able to pay my mortgage and therefore my house is in foreclosure. I think I already mentioned this. It’ll be sold by auction on 3/13. I saw two attorneys trying to do bankruptcy but both said I couldn’t do it. I’m guessing it’s because I don’t have enough income right now.

So…now, I’m praying to God that I can qualify to get into an apartment. As you can imagine, my credit is shot to hell! Apparently I have 6 months after the sale of the house. But honestly, I don’t want to wait that long. I’d like to find something and move and begin my new life in my own space! There’s still a link to my PayPal over on the right if you’d like to donate to my moving cause. If you’re the praying type, please pray that I can get in somewhere. Or send positive thoughts.

I’ve decided to withdraw from school until I’m settled somewhere because I’ve been so depressed and overwhelmed that I was finding it nearly impossible to focus. I’m hoping I’ll be somewhere by Fall and can resume at that time.

Also, I’m looking into getting my dog Oaklee as a support or service animal so that I can take her with me. I’ll have to find a new home for Xena. Shes too big for an apartment and needs room to run. I’ll be sad to see her go of course.

On another sad note, my dog Teddy, will be put down this Friday. He’s my Pomeranian that has been around since we got the house. He’s old and not doing too well. My daughter Kayleigh made the appointment. She and my other daughter and their dad are planning to take him. I don’t know if I wanna go or not. I can’t stand the thought of seeing him put down or my ex. I just don’t know if I can handle it. I don’t know what to do!

Life! It’s hard!

Wherever you are in this world, I wish you peace and happiness.

Dottie May 🌻

Posted in Anxiety/Depression, life | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Time for an Update

Hello Friends!

Have you wondered where I’ve been? Missed me at all? Probably not. LOL . Things have been difficult. Things are difficult. I did get that job working with developmentally disabled individuals. I worked a couple weeks however, I was only getting paid $10.50/hour. There were so many responsibilities including giving medications that I thought the pay was incredibly too low. Plus, I just couldn’t do it. I learned it was not the work I was made to do. So I’m looking in the IT field again. I’ll be meeting with a recruiter with a placement agency sometime this week.

Additionally, I received notice that my house is in foreclosure! I figured this would eventually happen since I haven’t been able to make the payments for awhile. However, it still stung. And they plan to sell via auction on 3/13. So I made an appointment with an attorney to talk about filing bankruptcy. My credit is shot anyway so it’s not going to hurt me and it may actually help me. I have that appointment on Wednesday at 10 a.m. I’m hoping it goes well and can in fact help me.

All of this has increase my depression and as a result I’ve given in to my chocolate cravings. I have gained some weight back and am at 278.2 now. I’m a little disappointed in myself. With all the snow and cold, I haven’t gotten out to exercise either. For some reason, I hate working out inside with DVDs. It’s too boring. I really need to change my attitude with that because I need exercise!

I’ve been doing Uber Eats Delivery for work and I actually like it. I can do a payout of my earnings the same day, which is cool. I don’t have to wait a week to get paid. That’s nice! And I don’t do too bad. On Saturday, I made just over $90. I could make more if I could see better at night. But I only do deliveries until dark. I can’t see addresses in the dark so I stop before then.

School has started back up and I’m in a Sociology class. I hope to keep up with class this time. I have a paper due tonight. I can’t let myself get so behind like I did with the last class. That’ll just cause me to be overwhelmed and stressed and I don’t want that to happen.

Well, I suppose that’s about it for now. I’ll try to come back more often and write. That is the purpose of this blog after all. I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. It’s been almost a month since I’ve seen her last. My appointments keep getting cancelled due to weather. Hopefully, this one doesn’t!

Take care and wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

Dottie May 🌻

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Depression Sucks!

Hello Friends!

It’s true, depression really does suck! It comes at you whenever and wherever it wants. I could be anywhere and suddenly start crying and the tears seem to be uncontrollable. It’s just awful! And when I’m out and away from home, it’s the worst because I can’t just hide in my room and let the tears flow. I have to maintain some kind of composure. It really is difficult at times. January is a difficult month now. It’s the one year anniversary of being told “I don’t love you anymore!” Those are some tough words to hear! And while I don’t miss him, it’s still hard to relive those words in my mind. Sometimes it makes it hard to believe that I may be loved again. Some days, I still feel like trash that has been thrown to the curb. All the while he has probably had a super enjoyable year because he got what he wanted…out! And he didn’t get stuck with the $1100 mortgage either and nearly a year of unemployment. No, while I sit and feel like I’m getting buried further and further, he’s living happily I’m sure…probably with a new girlfriend too! How lovely for him! Yes, thinking about that brings up some anger in me. I spent years supporting his ass and when he leaves, I get no support from him. It’s so completely unfair. Because I was the main breadwinner for all those years, I qualified for no spousal support!! It is unfair! All those damn times he quit his jobs because he didn’t like the boss or some other stupid reason…I was there by his side. “For richer for poorer…” Yeah those vows meant something to me! Even though my therapist at that time kept telling me…”why do you put up with that shit!” I know I’m repeating myself here and that I’ve discussed this before but I’m just so frustrated, hurt, angry, depressed that I have to vent again. My apologies. To top it off, my retirement…that I worked for all those years…yes I had to split it with him!! Again, I don’t think it’s fair. I feel if he wanted out of the marriage, then I don’t think he should be entitled to any of it. I feel I supported his ass long enough. It’s bullshit in my opinion!! Sorry for the language. I’m just tired of struggling so bad and got no help from him. All those times I was by his side and the one time I lose my job…he bails!! Look up asshole in the dictionary…I have a feeling I know what you’ll find. Again, I’m venting. And this is my blog and I have a right to do so. I have a right to my feelings. And guys (if there are guys reading this…) I’m sorry if you take any of this personally. But some men can truly be assholes! Some women can truly be bitches too. It goes both ways.

I have an interview today at 1 p.m. I’m hoping it goes well and that I can get some steady income. It doesn’t pay a whole lot, but it pays better than what I have been getting which is pretty much nothing. I need something so bad. So please send some well wishes and prayers if you are the praying type.

I updated my GoFundMe. No, I haven’t given up on that yet. I hate asking for money too but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. My PayPal link is still over on the side bar as well if you’d prefer to do that. Prayer and well wishes is more than welcome as well. I realize that so many are experiencing rough times and there are many who are worse off than me. I can’t wait until I’m in a better place and can give back!

Thanks for listening while I vented. Sometimes a girl just needs to do that. Things just build up inside and you need to let them out.

I may come back again later to let you all know how the interview went.

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

Dottie May 🌻

Posted in Anxiety/Depression, life | Leave a comment

A Year and Some Lessons

Hello Friends!

I’m not sure how long this one will end up being or how emotional or possibly depressing? Hmmm. It’s January and it marks one year since I was told I was no longer loved and that my ex wanted a divorce. And actually, he really didn’t come right out and say he wanted a divorce. I even asked and he said I don’t know! However, he was not interested in marriage counseling so what the hell? I also found out that he really was no longer interested at the end of summer 2017 but didn’t say anything because my then employer was starting to do layoffs and he just couldn’t bring himself to say anything. I have so many words for him for doing that. I was working at that time and he should’ve just come out and said it then. Life probably would’ve been a whole lot easier on me. But no, instead he waits until the new year after I’m unemployed and have nothing. Great timing. Ugh! I did not qualify for spousal support because I was the breadwinner for all those years. I worked for them for 28 years full time and I carried the benefits for our family during that time as well. I can’t even tell you how many jobs my ex had that he quit for one reason or another. But I stuck by his side through all of them. We went through some very low points because of his many times quitting jobs. I had to ask my great grandparents if I could borrow money to pay rent one time and I can’t tell you how awful I felt. It was the worst thing I had to do. I remember my counselor at the time asking me why I put up with that crap? I guess it’s because I felt so strongly about my wedding vows. In sickness and health, for richer for poorer…yada yada. My great-grandparents had a life long marriage. 70+ years at the time of their passing. That’s what I wanted. That’s what I lived for. And, that’s why I busted my ass after my ex cheated back in 2005 to forgive and trust again. That was NOT easy to do. I went to a lot of counseling. I was so uneasy all the time. I couldn’t go out with friends. I didn’t ever want to do anything unless it was with him. I didn’t like it if he called another woman dear or anything like that. It was an awful time, but I worked hard. Notice, I said “I”. He never went to counseling and we never went to counseling together either. That should’ve been a clue to me back then. But my kids were younger then and I did not want to be a single mother. I just wasn’t prepared for that I guess. That and my life’s goal was to have a life long marriage and I took my vows seriously. I had no idea that later down the road, I would be told “I don’t love you anymore, I want out.” What a slap in the face, if you ask me! He even said that things haven’t been the same since 2005! Jesus Mary and Joseph! I couldn’t believe those words came out of his mouth! I think he probably had another girlfriend and it was easy to just bail. But who knows. And really? Do I want to know?

At first, when I was told this, I thought life was over and for the first time I contemplated my own death! As I type this now, I can’t believe it. But yes, I didn’t think life was worth living at that moment. I was just tossed out like trash. Who would ever want me? I might as well not be here! I cried so much. And I’m not exactly sure what changed my mind, but whatever it was, I’m glad. Lesson#1, I’m not the cause of this. I’m not the reason he wanted out. This was his doing. And just because he didn’t love me anymore doesn’t mean it was my fault! The problem lies with him!

I’m so glad I realized that! I started to take little steps to move forward. Things were not easy. I had no job and no income. My unemployment ran out and I went through my 401K to get by. It sucks! 2018 was certainly a trying year. But it was also a year of self-discovery. Oh and I also was baptized on January 7 of that year as well. I was rather disappointed that neither of my girls came to witness the event. But my brother came and he recorded it and took some pictures so I was grateful for that.

In the last year, I have learned just how strong I really am. My brother told me that I was being held back and I’m finding that to be true now. I’ve made a lot of new friends. I get out and do things. I go places by myself now and I’m okay with that. I drove to Tennessee to visit my uncle. That’s the furthest I’ve driven on my own. Prior to my divorce, I’d have never driven that far on my own. I hated to drive. But now, I don’t mind it. I returned to school as well and I’m studying psychology of all things! Oh my psychiatrist believes that some of my mental illness issues may have been a result of my previous relationship with my ex. When he first suggested that, I was like what! It kind of shocked me. But when I sat and really thought things through…it made sense.

Lesson #2, he wasn’t the one. Even though we were married for 26+ years, he just wasn’t the man I was meant to spend the rest of my days with. I don’t believe I’m destined to be alone. There’s someone for me. God has someone special in mind for me. I just have to be patient. It’s His time, not mine.

Although, I have to admit that being lonely really does suck. There are times when I just sit and cry because I miss the companionship. I don’t miss my ex or even being married necessarily. But I miss the companionship. There are times when I sit and thing, boy I’m ready for my life to move on. I’m ready for the next step. I’m ready to love again. And, it’s only been a year.

I suppose I’ll end it there for now. Wherever you are in this world, I wish you peace, love and happiness. Keep smiling.

Dottie May 🌻

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

A Fond Memory

Hello friends!

I’m sorry it has been so long since I’ve written. I will admit, I struggled to get through the holidays. Christmas was awful. I didn’t see either of my kids. And I only heard from one of them. The other didn’t respond to my text. I still have their gifts sitting on my table. Nope, I still haven’t seen them. I spent the day alone. Worst Christmas I’ve ever had! I also spent New Years alone. So it wasn’t much better. But I chose to be alone that night. I was actually invited to a friends house, but I just wasn’t feeling up to going. So, overall, my holidays pretty much sucked.

So, how about that memory?

Every summer when I was young, I would spend a few weeks with my grandparents, my dads parents and my aunt. My aunt was only a few years older than me so we were very close, more like sisters. My grandpa was Herb, grandma was Ruth and aunt was Amy. One summer when I was about 7, I was spending time with them. I always enjoyed my time there. I loved getting away from my dads house. He was a drug abuser and I didn’t have a lot of respect for my step mom. Anyway, on this particular evening, Amy and I were waiting for my grandpa to get home from work. Grandma and us wanted to go out to dinner so we knew we would have to ask nicely. When he finally got home, Amy and I kept singing “Gee, we are glad you are home!” Over and over until he finally said what do you want?

We asked if we could go out for dinner. From there, grandma told him what to wear and had him take a shower. He complied even though he wanted a beer before dinner. She had him put on a light colored shirt with buttons and dress pants.

We went to Sweden House on Plainfield. At dinner the subject of his shirt somehow came up. I, the smart 7 year old, tried to convince him that he was wearing a blouse because it had buttons! Of course he said no! It’s a shirt. I continued to argue with him that he was most definitely wearing a blouse! My grandma and aunt both thought it was pretty funny! I’m not sure who it was that put it in my head that shirts with buttons were blouses! My aunt and I both laugh about it to this day.

After dinner, grandma wanted to get her lottery tickets. Grandpas response was “Jesus Christ Ruth! Again! Every fricken day!” My grandma was really into lottery tickets. Grandpa didn’t want to stop at the party store…he wanted to get home. My aunt and I laugh about his responses to her lottery habits too.

If you can picture a young girl arguing with her grandpa about the shirt he was wearing, then hopefully you’ll see the humor.

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

🌻 Dottie May

Posted in life, Wellness | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments