Time for an Update

Hello Friends!

Have you wondered where I’ve been? Missed me at all? Probably not. LOL . Things have been difficult. Things are difficult. I did get that job working with developmentally disabled individuals. I worked a couple weeks however, I was only getting paid $10.50/hour. There were so many responsibilities including giving medications that I thought the pay was incredibly too low. Plus, I just couldn’t do it. I learned it was not the work I was made to do. So I’m looking in the IT field again. I’ll be meeting with a recruiter with a placement agency sometime this week.

Additionally, I received notice that my house is in foreclosure! I figured this would eventually happen since I haven’t been able to make the payments for awhile. However, it still stung. And they plan to sell via auction on 3/13. So I made an appointment with an attorney to talk about filing bankruptcy. My credit is shot anyway so it’s not going to hurt me and it may actually help me. I have that appointment on Wednesday at 10 a.m. I’m hoping it goes well and can in fact help me.

All of this has increase my depression and as a result I’ve given in to my chocolate cravings. I have gained some weight back and am at 278.2 now. I’m a little disappointed in myself. With all the snow and cold, I haven’t gotten out to exercise either. For some reason, I hate working out inside with DVDs. It’s too boring. I really need to change my attitude with that because I need exercise!

I’ve been doing Uber Eats Delivery for work and I actually like it. I can do a payout of my earnings the same day, which is cool. I don’t have to wait a week to get paid. That’s nice! And I don’t do too bad. On Saturday, I made just over $90. I could make more if I could see better at night. But I only do deliveries until dark. I can’t see addresses in the dark so I stop before then.

School has started back up and I’m in a Sociology class. I hope to keep up with class this time. I have a paper due tonight. I can’t let myself get so behind like I did with the last class. That’ll just cause me to be overwhelmed and stressed and I don’t want that to happen.

Well, I suppose that’s about it for now. I’ll try to come back more often and write. That is the purpose of this blog after all. I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. It’s been almost a month since I’ve seen her last. My appointments keep getting cancelled due to weather. Hopefully, this one doesn’t!

Take care and wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

Dottie May 🌻

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Depression Sucks!

Hello Friends!

It’s true, depression really does suck! It comes at you whenever and wherever it wants. I could be anywhere and suddenly start crying and the tears seem to be uncontrollable. It’s just awful! And when I’m out and away from home, it’s the worst because I can’t just hide in my room and let the tears flow. I have to maintain some kind of composure. It really is difficult at times. January is a difficult month now. It’s the one year anniversary of being told “I don’t love you anymore!” Those are some tough words to hear! And while I don’t miss him, it’s still hard to relive those words in my mind. Sometimes it makes it hard to believe that I may be loved again. Some days, I still feel like trash that has been thrown to the curb. All the while he has probably had a super enjoyable year because he got what he wanted…out! And he didn’t get stuck with the $1100 mortgage either and nearly a year of unemployment. No, while I sit and feel like I’m getting buried further and further, he’s living happily I’m sure…probably with a new girlfriend too! How lovely for him! Yes, thinking about that brings up some anger in me. I spent years supporting his ass and when he leaves, I get no support from him. It’s so completely unfair. Because I was the main breadwinner for all those years, I qualified for no spousal support!! It is unfair! All those damn times he quit his jobs because he didn’t like the boss or some other stupid reason…I was there by his side. “For richer for poorer…” Yeah those vows meant something to me! Even though my therapist at that time kept telling me…”why do you put up with that shit!” I know I’m repeating myself here and that I’ve discussed this before but I’m just so frustrated, hurt, angry, depressed that I have to vent again. My apologies. To top it off, my retirement…that I worked for all those years…yes I had to split it with him!! Again, I don’t think it’s fair. I feel if he wanted out of the marriage, then I don’t think he should be entitled to any of it. I feel I supported his ass long enough. It’s bullshit in my opinion!! Sorry for the language. I’m just tired of struggling so bad and got no help from him. All those times I was by his side and the one time I lose my job…he bails!! Look up asshole in the dictionary…I have a feeling I know what you’ll find. Again, I’m venting. And this is my blog and I have a right to do so. I have a right to my feelings. And guys (if there are guys reading this…) I’m sorry if you take any of this personally. But some men can truly be assholes! Some women can truly be bitches too. It goes both ways.

I have an interview today at 1 p.m. I’m hoping it goes well and that I can get some steady income. It doesn’t pay a whole lot, but it pays better than what I have been getting which is pretty much nothing. I need something so bad. So please send some well wishes and prayers if you are the praying type.

I updated my GoFundMe. No, I haven’t given up on that yet. I hate asking for money too but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. My PayPal link is still over on the side bar as well if you’d prefer to do that. Prayer and well wishes is more than welcome as well. I realize that so many are experiencing rough times and there are many who are worse off than me. I can’t wait until I’m in a better place and can give back!

Thanks for listening while I vented. Sometimes a girl just needs to do that. Things just build up inside and you need to let them out.

I may come back again later to let you all know how the interview went.

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

Dottie May 🌻

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A Year and Some Lessons

Hello Friends!

I’m not sure how long this one will end up being or how emotional or possibly depressing? Hmmm. It’s January and it marks one year since I was told I was no longer loved and that my ex wanted a divorce. And actually, he really didn’t come right out and say he wanted a divorce. I even asked and he said I don’t know! However, he was not interested in marriage counseling so what the hell? I also found out that he really was no longer interested at the end of summer 2017 but didn’t say anything because my then employer was starting to do layoffs and he just couldn’t bring himself to say anything. I have so many words for him for doing that. I was working at that time and he should’ve just come out and said it then. Life probably would’ve been a whole lot easier on me. But no, instead he waits until the new year after I’m unemployed and have nothing. Great timing. Ugh! I did not qualify for spousal support because I was the breadwinner for all those years. I worked for them for 28 years full time and I carried the benefits for our family during that time as well. I can’t even tell you how many jobs my ex had that he quit for one reason or another. But I stuck by his side through all of them. We went through some very low points because of his many times quitting jobs. I had to ask my great grandparents if I could borrow money to pay rent one time and I can’t tell you how awful I felt. It was the worst thing I had to do. I remember my counselor at the time asking me why I put up with that crap? I guess it’s because I felt so strongly about my wedding vows. In sickness and health, for richer for poorer…yada yada. My great-grandparents had a life long marriage. 70+ years at the time of their passing. That’s what I wanted. That’s what I lived for. And, that’s why I busted my ass after my ex cheated back in 2005 to forgive and trust again. That was NOT easy to do. I went to a lot of counseling. I was so uneasy all the time. I couldn’t go out with friends. I didn’t ever want to do anything unless it was with him. I didn’t like it if he called another woman dear or anything like that. It was an awful time, but I worked hard. Notice, I said “I”. He never went to counseling and we never went to counseling together either. That should’ve been a clue to me back then. But my kids were younger then and I did not want to be a single mother. I just wasn’t prepared for that I guess. That and my life’s goal was to have a life long marriage and I took my vows seriously. I had no idea that later down the road, I would be told “I don’t love you anymore, I want out.” What a slap in the face, if you ask me! He even said that things haven’t been the same since 2005! Jesus Mary and Joseph! I couldn’t believe those words came out of his mouth! I think he probably had another girlfriend and it was easy to just bail. But who knows. And really? Do I want to know?

At first, when I was told this, I thought life was over and for the first time I contemplated my own death! As I type this now, I can’t believe it. But yes, I didn’t think life was worth living at that moment. I was just tossed out like trash. Who would ever want me? I might as well not be here! I cried so much. And I’m not exactly sure what changed my mind, but whatever it was, I’m glad. Lesson#1, I’m not the cause of this. I’m not the reason he wanted out. This was his doing. And just because he didn’t love me anymore doesn’t mean it was my fault! The problem lies with him!

I’m so glad I realized that! I started to take little steps to move forward. Things were not easy. I had no job and no income. My unemployment ran out and I went through my 401K to get by. It sucks! 2018 was certainly a trying year. But it was also a year of self-discovery. Oh and I also was baptized on January 7 of that year as well. I was rather disappointed that neither of my girls came to witness the event. But my brother came and he recorded it and took some pictures so I was grateful for that.

In the last year, I have learned just how strong I really am. My brother told me that I was being held back and I’m finding that to be true now. I’ve made a lot of new friends. I get out and do things. I go places by myself now and I’m okay with that. I drove to Tennessee to visit my uncle. That’s the furthest I’ve driven on my own. Prior to my divorce, I’d have never driven that far on my own. I hated to drive. But now, I don’t mind it. I returned to school as well and I’m studying psychology of all things! Oh my psychiatrist believes that some of my mental illness issues may have been a result of my previous relationship with my ex. When he first suggested that, I was like what! It kind of shocked me. But when I sat and really thought things through…it made sense.

Lesson #2, he wasn’t the one. Even though we were married for 26+ years, he just wasn’t the man I was meant to spend the rest of my days with. I don’t believe I’m destined to be alone. There’s someone for me. God has someone special in mind for me. I just have to be patient. It’s His time, not mine.

Although, I have to admit that being lonely really does suck. There are times when I just sit and cry because I miss the companionship. I don’t miss my ex or even being married necessarily. But I miss the companionship. There are times when I sit and thing, boy I’m ready for my life to move on. I’m ready for the next step. I’m ready to love again. And, it’s only been a year.

I suppose I’ll end it there for now. Wherever you are in this world, I wish you peace, love and happiness. Keep smiling.

Dottie May 🌻

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A Fond Memory

Hello friends!

I’m sorry it has been so long since I’ve written. I will admit, I struggled to get through the holidays. Christmas was awful. I didn’t see either of my kids. And I only heard from one of them. The other didn’t respond to my text. I still have their gifts sitting on my table. Nope, I still haven’t seen them. I spent the day alone. Worst Christmas I’ve ever had! I also spent New Years alone. So it wasn’t much better. But I chose to be alone that night. I was actually invited to a friends house, but I just wasn’t feeling up to going. So, overall, my holidays pretty much sucked.

So, how about that memory?

Every summer when I was young, I would spend a few weeks with my grandparents, my dads parents and my aunt. My aunt was only a few years older than me so we were very close, more like sisters. My grandpa was Herb, grandma was Ruth and aunt was Amy. One summer when I was about 7, I was spending time with them. I always enjoyed my time there. I loved getting away from my dads house. He was a drug abuser and I didn’t have a lot of respect for my step mom. Anyway, on this particular evening, Amy and I were waiting for my grandpa to get home from work. Grandma and us wanted to go out to dinner so we knew we would have to ask nicely. When he finally got home, Amy and I kept singing “Gee, we are glad you are home!” Over and over until he finally said what do you want?

We asked if we could go out for dinner. From there, grandma told him what to wear and had him take a shower. He complied even though he wanted a beer before dinner. She had him put on a light colored shirt with buttons and dress pants.

We went to Sweden House on Plainfield. At dinner the subject of his shirt somehow came up. I, the smart 7 year old, tried to convince him that he was wearing a blouse because it had buttons! Of course he said no! It’s a shirt. I continued to argue with him that he was most definitely wearing a blouse! My grandma and aunt both thought it was pretty funny! I’m not sure who it was that put it in my head that shirts with buttons were blouses! My aunt and I both laugh about it to this day.

After dinner, grandma wanted to get her lottery tickets. Grandpas response was “Jesus Christ Ruth! Again! Every fricken day!” My grandma was really into lottery tickets. Grandpa didn’t want to stop at the party store…he wanted to get home. My aunt and I laugh about his responses to her lottery habits too.

If you can picture a young girl arguing with her grandpa about the shirt he was wearing, then hopefully you’ll see the humor.

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

🌻 Dottie May

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An Anniversary of Sorts

Two years ago today, or, technically yesterday now, I was being released from Pine Rest mental hospital. I’m so proud that I’ve been hospital free for two years now! My therapist even commented on how well I’ve done this year considering how awful it has been at times. I have gotten myself through some very challenging times. Praise God. I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. 2018 was hell! And no, I’m not exaggerating. But I suppose that just means 2019 is going to be much better. I have to thank my friends and family that have been there for me as well. I’m forever changed. In the past, I would isolate and not talk to anyone. Now in times of crisis, I reach out! Oh sometimes I do cry alone but that’s very healing. As strong as I’ve gotten, I’m fully ready to say goodbye to 2018! Onward!

I also want to thank you, my readers. You are of great support as well! So, thank you and God bless.

Wherever you are in this world, I wish you peace and happiness!

🌻 Dottie

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The Effects of Volunteering

Hello Friends!

I meant to post last night, but I was just too tired.  I haven’t posted in a couple days have I?  My apologies. Things once again have brought on more anxiety.  My car is facing repossession. I think I’ve already mentioned that.  I need to get a payment made in order to put a hold on the repossession order.  I’ve asked my daughters if I could borrow money from them. I feel horrible for asking.  What parent wants to ask their children for money?  But I stooped to a level I never wanted to.  I helped my oldest with money early in the year. She needed $900 for school. I had my severance money so I was able to help her out.  I was hoping she would return the favor. But no she isn’t able to.  I haven’t heard from my other, but I’m guessing she won’t be able to either.  It’s hard.  My youngest lives with me and really has never had to pay anything as she got older.  Granted now she gives money to her dad for her cell phone and her car insurance.  She also has a car payment.  She buys a lot of her own food.  But I’ve never charged her rent and perhaps I should have.  I just give it to God and pray.  And I take my anxiety medicine as I need to.

Onto a better subject and the reason for the title of this post.  Last night, I went with a group from church to volunteer at a place called Exodus Place.  It’s a home for men. It’s a large place.  We were there to help serve Christmas dinner. I scooped green bean casserole onto the plates.  After I was done with that, then I got to enjoy my own dinner while conversing with other volunteers and residents.  After dinner, they held a raffle. They gave away a TV and a tablet to two lucky residents. You should’ve seen the winner of the TV. He was so excited! The winner of the tablet was an older gentleman and he had no idea how to use a tablet. I told him he needed to find someone to tutor him and that he would have a lot of fun with it.  The men also got a Christmas present too.  They all got a laundry basket with some essential items like hats/gloves, laundry soap, and other items.  I introduced myself to several residents and had conversation with some.  The winner of the TV, gave me a hug and said Merry Christmas and told me to be safe out there.  It was such an amazing evening.  It really kept my mind off my own situation.  It was healing to my heart. I felt good to serve others and bring smiles to others faces.  I, of course, wore my Santa hat and my Santa hat leggings.  I looked festive.  It is very possible that many of these men don’t have other family and would otherwise be homeless if not for Exodus Place.  This place is amazing.  I know I will go back to volunteer another time.  Last night before I went to sleep, I prayed and thanked God for all those who make Exodus Place possible for all those men.  I thanked Him for my life as well. I have tough times right now, but there is always someone that has it worse and I have to remember that and be grateful for my blessings.  

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and smiles.

Much love,

Dottie May 🌻

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6 Month Post Op VSG and I Baked Today!

Hello Friends! 

Happy Friday and end of week and start of weekend! I didn’t blog yesterday and I should have.  Yesterday I had my 6 month post op appointment following my surgery I had in April.  Everything is looking good. I’m down a total of 86 pounds.  The only thing is, I am deficient in Vitamin B1 so I need to start taking a supplement for that. I also have to take a B12 sublingual.  I didn’t know I was supposed to be taking one of those all along.  My weakest part of my weight loss journey is getting my protein in…my diet.  I don’t eat enough.  This is totally opposite of what I used to be.  It used to be whenever I got emotional, I would look for something to eat to make me feel better. For some reason, I found comfort in food – all types of food.  Sweet, savory, you name it.  Any any type of emotion could bring about my desire to binge too.  Now, however, if I get emotional, I do the opposite. I have no desire to eat. I go in my room and lay down and cry and cuddle my stuffed animals.  And if by chance I do eat something, it generally makes my stomach upset.  

As a result of my poor eating, my hair has been thinning really bad.  This is due to the rapid weight loss and lack of protein mostly.  So, the dietician and doctor both said, if I need to use protein drinks or smoothies to get my protein in, then do it!  I need to be shooting for 60-80 grams per day; preferably 80.  

As far as exercise, I was doing great before the snow and cold set in.  So, now the goal has been set for me to try hitting the trail outside twice a week and then doing my exercise dvd’s at least once a week.  I explained to the exercise physiologist that getting out in nature helped soothe my soul and that my happy place was at the lakeshore.  While it’s not feasible to go out to the lakeshore daily, I can head over to the White Pine Trail that runs along the Rogue River.  At least that’s still getting out in nature.  

So, on to the baking I did today.  Tonight was Heart & Home at my brother’s church and we were asked to bring 3 dozen cookies and a $5 gift card.  I actually did bake 2 dozen. I made Salted Caramel and Oatmeal Chocolate Chip.  I was going to make some molasses cookies; however, I discovered that I didn’t have any flour.  So, I decided I was going to go to the store and get some ingredients to make something else and at the same time get the gift card.  I got to the store and realized I didn’t have my ID!!  Where the heck could it be?!  I realized the last time I had it out was a few days prior at another store on the other side of town. So I quickly went to that store and thankfully, they still had my ID!! I was so relieved.  But now, I was running late on time so I ended up buying cookies for my last batch.  I got the gift card too.  The event at church started at 6:30 and I probably didn’t get there until 7.  But, my brother and sister in law were also running late so I didn’t feel too bad.  Dinner was catered. Chicken, potatoes, salad, green bean casserole. It was really good.  I just had chicken, potatoes and green bean casserole and some juice to drink.  

The bible lesson was great.  I had a great time and brought home a few treats. I didn’t take many because I certainly don’t need them.  

So aside from nearly losing my ID, today was pretty good.  I can’t believe I actually baked.  I hadn’t baked in a really long time.  I’m glad they turned out okay and they seem to go over well.

I’m going to end it here.  Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and smiles.

Dottie May 🌻

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