Grieving ~ Fears

Happy Saturday friends!

This past Tuesday, GriefShare started back up. We usually have the summer off. GriefShare is a support group for those who are suffering grief and loss. This is probably my fifth or sixth session of attending. I have lost several loved ones; both family and friends. However, my most recent losses having nothing to do with death. I shared these with the group. Most of them already know me and my issues. But we always share our stories and introductions during the first group if we are comfortable doing so. I always do because it helps to talk these things through and they are all there to help and support.

My most recent losses are my marriage, my job and my house. I will be honest, I was initially crushed when losing my marriage and for the first time, I contemplated suicide. I seriously thought my life was over anyway and those vows…I took seriously. Til death do us part. In my mind, if we were going to be apart, then death should be the reason. How is it someone just stops loving you after 26 years and chooses to be unfaithful? I struggled with that. I’m glad I didn’t follow through and glad I’m here to share. I still harbor ill feelings towards my ex though if I’m honest. He’s been able to declare bankruptcy and have his truck loan discharged. He had a place to live free (with his girlfriend). In my mind, it’s like the sinner was being rewarded. Why? is something I kept asking myself and God. My life has been a pretty chaotic storm since the divorce and I’m still waiting for the storm to clear. I have struggled so hard and have had feelings several times that I didn’t think it was fair that he is living so happy and carefree. I know I’m supposed to forgive him and every ounce tries. But I guess I’m just not ready. I feel like if I do then I’m saying it’s all good that your shattered my heart into a million pieces and threw me out like trash. It’s fine that you cheated. Deep down, I don’t feel it is. However, I do know that I’m better off without him and that there is someone else out there who will cherish me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I have not given up on love or marriage. Someday I hope to marry again….the right guy. My true soulmate that God has saved for me all this time.

Losing my job was also hard. I worked there for 28 years and a big part of me feared the unknown future. Looking back though, there were several times where I said I was sick of my job and wanted something different. Was this God’s way of pushing me?! Unfortunately, I haven’t found my dream job yet. I’ve submitted tons of resumes, but keep getting denials. Most of the time I don’t even get interviews. I’ve had my resume reviewed by Michigan Works as well as placement agencies and such. Yes, I’ve even tried getting jobs through the placement agencies where so many have had luck. Not me though. Still…nothing. So I’m doing Uber Eats deliveries. It gets me out and about and not sitting at a desk all day. I actually don’t mind it. I just wish everyday could be like yesterday as far as income. I made $119. Not bad for one day. I was pleased.

Losing my house isn’t easy either. I think the worst part is the bad marks on the credit report to be honest. I should have just tried to sell it on my own before it got to that point, but I didn’t have anywhere to go. Now, with such horrible credit, I can’t get in anywhere because they all look for good credit. I need to find someone to take me in. I know money can’t buy happiness…or so they say….but right now I think it could give me a lot of relief.

Fears…I haven’t talked on that yet. This was part of the GriefShare suggested journal idea. I do have some fears still. I’m afraid I’ll be alone forever. I’m afraid of not finding a place to live or income. I’m afraid I’ll lose more than I already have. I’m afraid of losing my car which right now is a lifeline. I used to fear death. That’s not such a fear anymore. I have found faith and know that I’ll be with my creator when death comes. But I hope that’s not for a long time. I feel like I have a lot of life left and my story isn’t over! I fear losing more loved ones. I fear getting too close to people because I don’t want to lose them. I fear heartbreak. Am I being ridiculous having so many fears!?

Thanks to those that follow and support me. I truly appreciate it. I wish you all a fabulous day/weekend!

Peace – Love – Smiles – Blessings

Dottie May ❤

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Feeling Desperate – Struggles

Good morning from here! I’m in Michigan for those that don’t know. However, not sure if I’ll stay in Michigan much longer. As many probably know, I lost my house due to foreclosure. After losing my long time job and marriage, I just couldn’t afford it and this was the result. I still have some time before I HAVE to move, but I need to work on packing. I still have bills to pay as well.

I have submitted dozens (more than dozens actually) of resumes to try to find a regular job. I just keep getting denials. I don’t know if it’s because of my age or that I don’t have a college degree or that I just worked for that one company too long and have no other experience. Maybe it’s a combination of all three of those things. I’m feeling so defeated as a result. My unemployment benefits have been exhausted. I am doing Uber Eats deliveries to try to earn some money. I do enjoy doing it; however it’s not always the best pay. Maybe it’ll get better as the weather gets worse and people don’t want to go out themselves anymore.

I’m trying not to let depression (severe) set in. I’m still coloring or reading and going to the lakeshore when I can; doing things that bring about joy the best as possible.

However, financially speaking I’m not doing well. I did set up a GoFundMe at one point, but they take out a percentage of the money. I know they have the right to do that but…

I really don’t want to beg for money and I don’t want to stand out on a corner panhandling (although I bet they make better money than me). However, I really do need some help. I’m over $1000 behind on my car payment. Car insurance is due next week and I still need to pay my electric and gas. I never pictured myself in this position. Quite frankly, I hate myself right now. I know that there are so many worse off than me as well and if I could, I’d be helping them instead! I have a PayPal link over there on the right. That’s one method to contribute. I also have a cash app on my phone where you can send money as well. My username is $DorothyMarie71. If you have the urge to donate or know someone who can, I’d forever be grateful and would like to pay back as soon as I’m able to. I really don’t know what else to do. I have no parents or grandparents to ask. And the family I do have, quite frankly also struggles.

I’m headed out on this rainy day to do some Ubering. I’m hoping for a good fruitful day!

Peace – Love – Smiles – Blessings

DottieMay ❤

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Rough Memory

Hello friends! Sorry it has been so long since I’ve done a post. I’ve been writing more in my regular journal lately.

A lot has been going on. I’m still in the house but do need to move at some point. I’m really not sure where the road will take me. I still don’t have a job other than Uber Eats deliveries. So I’m still quite broke. I’m really considering leaving this state of Michigan. Maybe I’ll have better luck elsewhere!

I no longer have health insurance. The state cut me off although I’m really not sure why. Anyway, due to that I’ve been off my meds for a couple months now. I’m not taking anything now other than vitamins. I know it’s not what the doctor wanted but I couldn’t afford over $400 for a prescription! I’m really impressed by how well I’m doing though. And a couple days ago was testament to just how well!

On Friday a friend of mine invited me to do a family meeting at The mental hospital where he’s at. Well it just so happens this is the same hospital I spent time at numerous times between 2013 and 2016. I really didn’t know how I’d respond to stepping foot back in this place. However at least this time, I could walk back out on my own in a short time. The meeting went pretty good. Afterwards I stayed for lunch. We had to eat in the unit not in the cafe. So being in the same lounge where I’d been before was pretty interesting. A few of the nurses recognized me. As I was eating and visiting with my friend, my old doctor walked in to talk to one of his patients. This was probably the most difficult to deal with. I disliked that guy so much and hearing his voice again literally made my skin crawl and I wanted to cry! It evoked so many memories of my time there. I used to throw stress balls at that doctor! I thought it was funny at the time. I actually did discreetly tear up a little thinking about all those times in the hospital. It’s Sunday and I’m here again to pick up my friend. I can say I’m doing so well because it didn’t cause me to spiral backwards or anything.

I’m really quite proud of myself. I’m also quite blessed that I’ve been doing so well off the meds considering I removed myself from them. I don’t encourage it but feel I had no other choice. I’ve been doing things to bring joy like going to the lakeshore. The waves are incredibly soothing. I color a lot. Read. Listen to music. Occasionally I’ll play some games like Word Stacks. I have come such a long way since those dark days! Praise God! I do have to agree with my former psych in that a lot of it may have been due to my ex husband. I was in a toxic, no good for me relationship without even realizing it. I’m so glad God knows what’s best even if this past year and a half has been nothing but a struggle and what seems like a never ending storm! I’m so much stronger mentally than I’ve ever been in my life!!!

Go me!!

Peace. Love. Smiles.

Dottie May 🌻

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It’s Been Awhile!

Hello friends!

It’s been so long since I’ve posted. Not much different is going on. I’m still struggling and trying to find a place to live. I have until September. Having poor credit makes it difficult.

I worked for a short time at McDonald’s but they were only giving me about 12 hours a week and I was only getting $9.50 an hour. It just wasn’t worth driving out there for it so it didn’t last. So I continue to look and in the meantime I’m doing Shipt Shopping again.

I no longer have insurance so I haven’t been able to go to therapy. My last appointment was in May so they had to close my case. I also have run out of my meds so I haven’t been taking them. When I called to see how much they were, the one was over $430 and I just cannot afford that. So now I’m doing this mental health journey on my own. I’m actually doing pretty good so far. I don’t know how long it takes meds to clear out of your system.

I’ve been doing a lot of coloring lately. I find it soothing. Much of the time, I take my colored pencils and books and go to a park and color. Usually somewhere with water. And it’s perfect. When I’m at home, I color on my iPad using many different apps.

I also have been journaling daily. It’s just been handwritten in a journal I gifted to myself. It has a personalized bible scripture on each page. It’s so cool to see my name in each new verse each day. On the blank page, I put in a quote or encouraging words and also list three things I’m grateful for. I really have come to enjoy it. And it’s probably part of the reason I haven’t posted here in awhile.

This past Thursday, my aunt and I went to a paint and sip event at The Reptarium in Utica MI. The owner Brian Barczyk has a daily vlog on YouTube and has been in a movie as well. Meeting him was amazing. I had so much fun. I also conquered a huge fear by holding a couple snakes. One was even quite large. Her name was Perdita.

The top picture is Perdita and I. The bottom is of Brian and I with the sign I made. It was such a great time! I will definitely go back again! I highly recommend a visit if you’re ever in the area.

I’ve been talking to someone online and we are getting along pretty well. These days many relationships start online. My sister met her husband online and she lives happily in Hawaii with him. I hope it continues to go well because he’s very kind.

Aside from that, not much has been going on. I hope you’re all doing well.

Peace and Love,

Dottie May 🌻

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I Fell Hard

Hello friends.

I’m sitting here in tears once again. I’ve been crying off and on since yesterday afternoon. It’s my own fault.

I was reacquainted with a guy I dated back in high school and to be honest, I fell pretty hard for him. He called me beautiful and sweetie and it just felt so good to have someone local calling me those things. And when I met up with him, he gave the nicest hug and kiss. My heart was just so happy again and I fell so hard for him.

Here’s the problem though. He does flea markets and travels a lot and only lives here during the summer months. Then he travels in his small camper trailer and lives in Florida. So he’s not in a position for a relationship. I asked. He said maybe but traveling makes it hard. And it didn’t sound like he was willing to have a traveling partner.

So…I’m feeling all broken-hearted again. This time, it’s my fault.

I’m feeling so lonely. For those of you that are single and ready for a relationship, how do you cope through the loneliness? I really fell hard. I didn’t even wanna get up this morning and I can’t even bring myself to eat anything. Yeah it’s that bad. How can someone grab my heart so quickly?

Dammit!

Dottie May 🌻

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It’s Been A Nice Weekend

Hello friends!

Wow! I’m really doing a horrible job of keeping up on this blog. Part of that is because I’ve actually started working now and even though I’ve only worked four shifts now, I’m still pretty beat. I’m at McDonald’s and I’ve only done four 3-hour shifts. But I’m definitely not used to being on my feet constantly and all the physical labor. I’ve been doing dining room and bathrooms; which includes cleaning tables, sweeping, mopping, taking trash out, cleaning windows, maintaining drink station and cleaning bathrooms too. It’s a lot especially when it’s busy. Today was my first time working solo.

Friday 5/24 was a trigger date as it would’ve been my 28 year wedding anniversary. I got through the day much better than I anticipated I would. I didn’t break down in tears or anything. The weather was dreary. I did have to work for a few hours and after that came home and did laundry and dishes. I would’ve rather done something else but it was raining so I was limited and I didn’t have a lot of money. I did good keeping myself busy. I wrote my first entry in my new journal. It’s a personalized journal. Each page has a scripture with my name incorporated into it. It’s such a cool little journal.

Saturday 5/25 was my birthday! I am now 48 years old! Or should I say young? I’m not afraid of my age. I feel I look good for my age. I think that comes from good genes but also not wearing makeup. I had to work on my birthday also. But then afterwards, I went to my aunt and uncles. We watched some movies and then went and cleaned graves at the cemetery. After that, we went to my happy place! We had a picnic at the beach, walked the beach and we swung on the swings (which I’m calling a non scale victory), we watched the sunset and then watched the musical fountains. Swinging was so much fun! The whole night was fun. I’ll insert some pictures …or try…

Sunday 5/26, I went to church and it was my first time volunteering the Welcome Table. When I got there, I took a picture of myself and I just loved the picture because you could see my collar bones protruding. It quickly became my new favorite. After church I got some supplies and went and cleaned the grave stones of my moms and grandparents. I still have more stones to go in the family plot. The act of cleaning the stones was very therapeutic for me. I had some music playing and sang along at times. The weather was perfect and I actually got my first bit of sunburn. I need to buy some sunscreen! Later in the evening, I went with my friend Malia to her church for game night. That was fun too. We played a game called Silly Street with her grandkids and her son.

My heart goes out to all those affected by the horrible weather activity. The news just said there have been over 200 tornadoes reported in the last week in the Midwest. It makes me wanna cry. And I have. And there continues to be watches and warnings.

Also my respect to all those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our beautiful country, the land of the free because of those brave men and women. Thank you for your service…I know I’m technically a little late as Memorial Day is now over. However, I am always respectful and grateful for those that serve.

Now, it’s the 28th and it’s Oaklee’s birthday! She is two today. I’m making her peanut butter pup-cakes later. I will make sure to share photos.

I’ve reconnected with a friend that I hadn’t seen since high school. We have been chatting on Facebook Messenger and it’s been really nice. We may get together on Thursday and I’m really excited to be honest.

My depression has not been so rough lately and I attribute that to nicer weather and being able to get out and enjoy nature more. I’ve lost a few pounds again. I feel like I’m back on track again with my weight loss. I’ve been tracking my food with my LoseIt app. I track my activity with the map my fitness app on my phone or the health app as well. On my wish list is an Apple Watch because I’m not allowed to have my phone on me at work and I’d love to know what kind of steps I’m getting in during that time.

As far as my living situation, I’m still looking but no luck. My credit is really poor. My brother mentioned maybe going in together on a place as they are trying to find something closer to their work as well. It may be an option, as long as it’s affordable and the place is decent size for all of us. They have four kids.

Well I think that’s it for now. Thanks for following along.

I wish you peace, love and happiness wherever you are in this beautiful world.

Dottie May 🌻💕

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Where Have I Been?

Hello friends! It certainly seems like it’s been forever! My apologies. This will serve as a bit of an update as well as some thoughts.

I should’ve read my last post to see just how long it’s been. We are already in the middle of May and the weather is finally getting nice. Praise the Lord. I’ve been on a couple of bike rides both just over 10 miles! I was so proud of myself! I really enjoyed myself. I did post on You Tube of course. My depression isn’t quite as bad as it was and I’m not shoveling in the mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups like I was so that’s a good thing! I had been putting on weight because of the poor diet due to the emotional eating due to the depression. Yes I know nobody forced those things in my mouth. But I’m here to tell you that chocolate really does help make me feel better. It’s like a little hug. I know it might sound crazy to some but I believe it to be true. Anyway, since the weather has been getting nice, I’ve been able to get outside more and start walking and riding. It’s helped. I also took my first hike around a local lake the other day. It was a 2 mile hike and I think I did pretty darn well. I did stop mid-way through and sat on this big large log and just reflected and prayed and ended up crying. Nature is so soothing but it’s also a great place to connect with God. Thankfully nobody was around. It was just me and the birds and chipmunks and swans and any other animals I couldn’t see.

May 14 was the day I was out and that day would’ve been 30 years with my former employer Meijer. And coming up on May 24 would have been 28 years of marriage. So May is another bittersweet month. I sat there and thought about a lot of incidents and memories. I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past but when anniversary dates come around, it’s hard not to think about them. Also, Facebook is good at reminding you of things as well. And with a marriage, even your kids will bring things up at times. I remember hearing people talk about hindsight being 20-20 but never gave it a whole lot of thought until experiencing it now with divorce and losing my long time employment. It’s like these a-ha moments pop in my head and I see things so clearly that I never saw while living through the moments. And then I ask myself, “how did I not see that?” Life would be so much different had I realized these things back then. But it’s not my time, it’s Gods time…right?

I struggle. I get jealous at times seeing happy couples. I know jealousy is frowned upon and I shouldn’t be. But sometimes, it just hurts. Being alone is not easy. Now I’ve talked to some divorced women who say they will NEVER ever get married again and they are completely happy being alone. I’m not one of them. I’m not opposed to marriage again even though my heart was completely shattered and I was cheated on. I know that not all men are a-holes.

I’ve been working on purging items in the house. I donated two large bags of my ex’s clothes that he left behind and I donated five large bags of clothes that I no longer wear. Yesterday I went through this box and found all the sympathy cards that were sent to me when my mom passed away back in 2006! One of the cards was from the girl and her husband that my husband cheated on me with. Yes she was actually a friend of mine too. She was significantly younger than me and also married. That’s another story. I decided I did not need any of the cards and threw them all away. They’d been stashed in that box so long and were serving no purpose. I didn’t even shed a tear believe it or not. I just visited my moms grave too a couple days before Mother’s Day. There’s SO much in this house to go through.

I accepted a job at McDonald’s. I have been putting in tons of resumes but having zero luck trying to find anything significant. I don’t know why my problem is. It’s quite frustrating. I’d like to find something decent paying with insurance. But for now it’s McDonald’s. I start on Saturday working 11 to 2. I’ll have to let you all know how it goes. I’m quite nervous. I haven’t worked fast food since high school. I told my youngest daughter that I feel like I’m starting life all over again as a teenager except I’m older and instead of having no credit, I have horrible credit. I don’t have any idea where I’m going to live. I’ve applied to a couple apartment complexes but was turned down due to poor credit history. I’m not surprised. This last year, my credit tanked due to being out of work and not able to make payments and then my house being foreclosed didn’t help either. There are times that I wish my mom was still alive so I could live with my mom again. Although it’d be tough.

I am just holding on to my faith and praying that God will open a door. If you’re the praying type, please pray with me. If you’re a non-believer, just send me some sunshine and smiles and positive thoughts. I’d certainly appreciate it.

I’m so behind on reading blogs and I apologize.

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and smiles.

Dottie May

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