Emotional Sunday

Posted on April 22, 2018 by

It’s been a while again.  I keep saying I want to blog more and then I don’t.  I’ve been busy with school, but am still unemployed.  Only now unemployment has run out so I have no income! Please pray or send positive thoughts that I find something soon.  I’ve been doing some transcription but it pays next to nothing when you’re starting out.  Hopefully, I can get better and start to earn some real income from it.  Working from home would be ideal!

Yesterday I was feeling a bit emotional and I cried some tears.  Today, however has been even worse.  This morning after my daughter left for work, I broke down.  I went into my room and snuggled with my prayer pal and just let the tears flow.  I cried for a good half hour at least.  Then I had to eat some breakfast and get ready for church.

I have good days and bad days still.  I imagine I will for quite some time.  I hate this divorce.  I still think it sucks! I am still upset that he wasn’t interested in trying marriage counseling. I’m still heartbroken! I’ve been beating myself up these past couple of days, blaming myself for all of it.  I figure if he wanted out, it must be my fault.  As a result, I feel horrible.  Today there was a post on Facebook that he’s at a mud run with this girl and a group of others.  They’re probably just friends but the mere thought of him having a girlfriend kills me inside.  It’s highly possible.  We are divorced.  It was finalized last Tuesday.  Technically, he has every right.  But it still kills me.  I can’t even think about seeing anyone right now.  It’s way too soon and besides, my self-esteem is in the toilet.  I have none.  I don’t think I’m good enough for anyone right now.  I obviously need to learn to love myself.  If only I could see myself the way God sees me!  That was the topic at church today.  After church, I visited the grave of my dear sister friend Heidi and then my mom and grandparents graves.  I cried so much at all of them.  I complained to my mom about this divorce and how hurt I am.  I wish she and my grandparents were here to hug!  Boy do I miss them!

So, yes the divorce was finalized last Tuesday. I got teary eyed at court. Nobody knew but me. After we left the courtroom, I turned to my ex and said that I disagreed with it. I told him I think we could have worked it out had we went to marriage counseling.  Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything, but I did.  I couldn’t help it.  The first thing I did when I left there was buy chocolate…as if that helps.  Then, I made an appointment to get my nails done.  I figured I deserved a little pampering I guess.  I never get my nails done so it was something different.

This past Monday, I had an appointment with the bariatric surgeon.  I will be having surgery on April 30.  I’m getting the sleeve gastrectomy.  So, right now I’m on a pre-op diet.  It’s not easy that’s for sure. Especially being so emotional, I just want to eat something I know I shouldn’t!  But I’m not.  I’m being good.  After the surgery, I’ll be on liquids only for two weeks!  I don’t know how I’m going to get through that!!

Well, I suppose that’s it for now.  I should try to get some school work done.  I have two papers due tomorrow night!

Peace – Love – Smiles

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Restart

Posted on March 2, 2018 by

Today’s one word post seemed quite appropriate as I am going through a restart at this very moment.  Well to be honest, I have been for a few months.  It started at the first of the year.  Well, technically it really began when I lost my job of 28.5 years back in October.  That’s when my restart really began.  But then at the first of the year, my soon to be ex-husband informed me that he wanted a divorce!  Another big blow.  This after nearly 27 years of marriage!  In January, I also started school – another big restart.  I worked for years in the area of IT and now I’m studying Psychology.  I was going to go to school for web development, but then I prayed about it and decided to follow my dream from back in high school.  Back then, I initially wanted to be a counselor for troubled teens.  That was because my brother had gotten into some trouble and we had to go to family counseling through the juvenile system.  For some reason, I was mesmerized by it and I decided then that I wanted to do that for a living.  Problem is, I couldn’t get into the university at that time.  So instead I got a job right out of high school at the office where I stayed for 28.5 years.  I started work there in the Word Processing department.  When that was dissolved, I interviewed and was placed in the IT department.  Back in October, the IT department went through a reorganization and I was told I was no longer needed.  I was quite devastated at first.  I am still collecting unemployment right now and have about 8 weeks left.  When my ex hit me with divorce, I panicked.  How in the world am I going to afford this house payment and all the other bills?!  We have mediation coming up on the 5th.  I need to find some work.  I’m hoping to do some transcription from home.  Working from home seems to be an ideal situation for me. It would work well with my schooling.  So with the job loss, a divorce…I’m going through a restart.  School is going to help me start a new career.  And, I went to an appointment with a surgeon to see about getting a revision weight loss surgery to help me lose more weight.  Also – a restart.  I also got a new bed and slept in it for the first time last night…alone.  Another restart.  I think I may want a weighted blanket though.  I’m used to having a dog sleep on my lap.  I was sleeping in the recliner in the family room with my dog sleeping on my lap.  I missed that last night.  I don’t want the dogs in my bedroom though.  I’m told a weighted blanket can help with anxiety.  So, a lot has happened that has basically forced me to Restart many areas of my life.  I’m still quite emotional about a lot of it too.  I hope to find happiness again to fill the gaping hole in my heart.  This all sure isn’t easy I’ll say that.  Peace and Love to you friends.

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Life Update – It’s Been Awhile!

Posted on February 28, 2018 by

Oh my goodness has it been a long time!  My last update was in October after losing my job.  I’m still currently unemployed and have about 8 weeks left of unemployment, but am looking to do transcription from home.  I really want to find something I can do from home as I think that would work best with my schooling.  Yes, I have returned to school!  This is my 3rd attempt at trying school again.  This time, I hope to actually finish and get a degree!  I’m studying Psychology which is very different from the field I worked in (IT).  The program is entirely online, which I love.  I hate driving in winter so being able to stay at home and log on is awesome.  My first class was Personal Wellness.  I just finished the class with a 96% (A).  I got a 100% on my final research project.  I did my project on schizoaffective disorder.  I was very happy with my grades!

So, the big news and change since October is the awful D word – DIVORCE!  No, it’s not what I wanted.  I was heartbroken when my soon to be ex broke the news to me.  I guess he’s been unhappy for a while.  He intended on telling me at the end of summer, but didn’t because my employer was beginning to do its layoffs and he said he couldn’t do it.  I wish he would’ve! At least then, I had a job!  Instead, he waited until the new year.  The holidays this year pretty much sucked!  The new year was worse!  I cried almost non stop for two weeks at the beginning of the year.  I didn’t see it coming.  He wasn’t interested in marriage counseling or anything.  He just wanted out.  He doesn’t want any of my 401K or pension and doesn’t want the house.  There are no lawyers involved because I can’t afford one anyway.  I’ve had people tell me to go for alimony, but I don’t know that I’d get anything.  I was the breadwinner for 28 years until my employer let me go in October.  The timing is incredible!  I’ve begun going to a group called Girl Talk on Tuesday mornings.  It’s a group of ladies from church that gather for prayer and fellowship.  Right now, we’re doing a bible study (reading the book “24 Hours that Changed the World”).  I also go to a GriefShare group on Tuesday evenings.  Most of the people in that group also go to my church, but not all of them.  Tonight, I got pretty emotional and broke down in tears.  My spouse didn’t die, but he’s no longer in the house so it’s a loss.  I took my ring off yesterday.  That is taking some getting use to.  I’ve worn that ring for so long.  And it got me through some rough times when I was hospitalized.  To not see it on my finger is a bit emotional, I won’t lie.  We go for mediation on Monday, March 5.  To be honest, I’m not looking forward to it at all.  Up to 3 hours in a room with him…ugh!  I can already feel the anxiety building.  Speaking of anxiety, I’ve been doing okay with that.  I’ve been going to therapy weekly.  My depression has been okay too for having gone through a job loss and now this divorce.  I’m still on the Seroquel and Topamax.  The Topamax was to curb the late night snacking caused by the Seroquel.  I had gained like 30 lbs. initially when I was put on the Seroquel.

I got my first tattoo!  The whole divorce thing caused me to think about death and dying – how was I going to go on?  So I decided to get a tattoo that incorporated the semi-colon.  Here’s a picture of it.  This was taken right after it was done so it’s a bit raw.  The butterfly is colored purple and yellow.  Yellow is my favorite color and yellow was my little cousin Nicole’s favorite color.  She passed away in 2016 at the age of 7. She had Cerebral Palsy.  You can see that the first “t” in Strength is a cross.  That’s to signify my faith.  And of course the word Strength is pretty self-explanatory but it’s to remind me that I have the strength within me to get through the storms.  The semi-colon indicates that my story isn’t over yet.  I was nervous about getting the tattoo because I wasn’t sure if it was going to hurt, but it didn’t really hurt too much.  Kinda like a cat scratching.  I’m pretty proud of it though.  It’s on the inside of my left wrist.

StrengthTattoo

My blog now has its own domain!  http://www.dottiesjourney.com I was pretty excited to get that set up.  Now, I just need to keep going with updating it.  I suppose, I’m going to end this post.  It’ already 10:15 p.m.  I should call it a night and settle in.

Take care and I wish you Peace, Love and Smiles!

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My Last Day

Posted on October 27, 2017 by

The time is here.  My last day of work. I’ve been with the company for 28.5 years and it just seems so weird knowing that today is my final day.  I’m a bit sad to be honest and a bit excited to for what lies ahead.  I’ll be going back to school and while I’m nervous about it, I’m also excited too.  I just may finally be able to attain that degree that I’ve always wanted.  Losing my job may be a blessing in disguise.  That’s how I’m trying to look at it right now.  I’ve been working from home since February of this year and I’d like to find another job I can do from home.  And, I’m afraid that I’ll have no luck finding another work from home job unless I have some programming experience. So, that’s why I’m going back to school.  I’ve applied to Baker College here in Michigan and will work toward a Bachelor of Science with a focus on Web Development.

I’ll be packing up my work hardware and heading into the office shortly.  When I get to the office, I’ll be signing my severance paperwork.  Once that paperwork is signed, then I’m done.  I don’t plan on working after I sign.  Part of me thinks I’ll be quite emotional as I walk out of the building for the final time.  My employer has a recognition program where you earn points each time you are recognized and I had 3500 points.  You can redeem points for various items.  So yesterday, I redeemed my points so I wouldn’t lose them with my loss of job.  I got a $25 gift card to AMC Theaters and a $25 gift card to restaurants.com.  I thought that was pretty cool.

On another note, please keep our puppy Aspen in your prayers and/or good thoughts.  She is still at the vets.  Her medical journey began last week when she was vomiting clear and wouldn’t eat and was lethargic.  We brought her in and she ended up having exploratory surgery.  She had swallowed a sock. They removed it and sewed her back up.  We brought her home Monday and they told us that if she vomited again to call right away.  During the night Monday, she did vomit her food back up.  So we called Tuesday morning and brought her back in.  Her incisions were leaking and she was in shock.  They ended up having to do more surgery, this time removing 4-6″ inches of her intestine as well as another small piece of sock from her stomach. They figure that this small piece of sock was in her esophagus the first time they did surgery.  We visited her yesterday and she was excited to see us and gave us kisses.  They are going to introduce a very small amount of mushy food today.  We hope that it’ll stay down.  Prayers that she continues to heal.  We also found out that someone had taken care of our second vet bill.  They want to remain anonymous.  So whoever you are – God bless you!! We love you!!

I may be back later to let you know how my departure from work went.

Peace & Love

 

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Some News

Posted on October 24, 2017 by

It’s been quite a while since my last post.  I really should try getting back to blogging as I do find writing to be healing.  I have some rather big news to share.  I received this news on October 3.  So what is it!?  Well, after 28.5 years with my employer, I was told my position was being eliminated.  To be honest, I cried in that office with the HR rep beside me and my bosses boss in front of me.  My severance package lay open in front of me and tears streamed down my cheeks.  I grabbed the Kleenex offered to me and wiped away the tears and tried the best I could to compose myself.  This was devastating news and difficult to hear.  Both ladies were very nice about it and told me they could take as much time as needed to go over the paperwork that lay in front of me.  They explained that I would be paid through the end of the month, my last day would be October 31st.  I would receive 4 months of health benefits and 3 months of outplacement services to help with resume writing and job placement.  I would also have access to unemployment information sessions and other helpful sessions which they encouraged that I take advantage of.  These items were outlined in the paperwork.  After our discussion, I left her office and chose to take the remainder of the day off.  I proceeded to head out and was caught by my boss.  He led me into a conference room and we chatted for a bit.  He said he was so sorry this was happening and offered to help with my resume and being a reference for my resume.  He assured me I had marketable skills and I would have no problem finding employment.  However, I didn’t have that confidence.  After our chat, I left.

My first stop was my therapist office.  I knew I couldn’t wait until the end of the month for my next appointment.  My anxiety shot up and truth be told, so did my depression.  To my surprise, my therapist had an opening that afternoon.  I took it!  From there, I went to where my husband was working and shared the news with him.  He was in shock too.  For the first time in years, he’ll be seeing if he can get health insurance for the family through his employer.  He currently has multiple jobs.  He drives charter bus and he also drives for Lyft.  He also works in an auto garage for a friend.  He definitely keeps busy.  He also manages a fireworks store; however, the season just ended for that so he is done with that job until the end of December.  And then, he’ll only work it for two weeks for the New Year.

I returned to my therapist office for my appointment.  I shared the news with her and she was surprised too.  We talked about it and my feelings.  I cried a bit more.  I told her that I figured I would retire from that company.  I told her I was afraid that I might not find a job that I was scared because I’ve only ever worked at that job.  I started there just before I graduated high school.  It’s all I know.  She advised I take a little break, even through the holidays and start the search in January.  Collect unemployment.  I thought it sounded like a good idea.  Time went on and here it is, the 24th.  I’m on my last week of work and to be honest, I don’t feel like working…at all.  I changed my last day to the 27th – this Friday.  I’m still getting paid through the 31st though.  I’ve started to think about school again and the possibility of going back.  I’ve looked into some online programs through Baker College here in Michigan.  I already have college debt and still no degree.  Returning to school would put that debt on hold until I did finish with school.  By then hopefully, I would find a better paying job and could then pay back the loans easier.  School would be easier to focus on without a job to worry about.  I’m definitely thinking about it.  What do you think?  Am I too old?  I’m 46.

Something else I’ve started back up is reading.  I finished two books recently.  “Breaking Norms” by Mita Balani and “Turtles all the Way Down” by John Green.  I recommend both.  “Breaking Norms” falls into the LGBT genre so if you’re open to that, it’s a great story.  I really enjoyed it.  “Turtles all the Way Down” is Young Adult.  Hey, I’m still young, right!?  I’ve found enjoyment in reading.  Through Bookbub and Goodreads, I’m finding several books I want to read.  I’m trying to decide what I want to read next.  Do you like to read?  Are you on Goodreads?  You should look me up?  Goodreads

That’s it for now.  Thanks for reading/following.

Peace & Love,

Dottie

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7 Years Post VSG

Posted on February 17, 2017 by

I had my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy on December 15, 2009.  That puts me at just over 7 years post op.  I recently had a follow up appointment at my surgeons office.  I hadn’t been there in four years.  They finally called me to get lab work done and made an appointment.  I got the lab work done and went for my appointment on the 14th of February.  I weighed 312 lbs. My highest weight was 403.  My lowest weight I got to was 253.  I have had some regain.  I blame the gain on the mental health issues that have surfaced.

In December of 2013, I was hospitalized for the first time for manic depression and anxiety.  I had my first panic attack. It was not fun.  That’s when all the meds started.  Over the past few years, I was hospitalized five different times.  The diagnosis I was given is Schizo-Affective Disorder Bipolar.  At first I was scared of the diagnosis.  I also dealt with depression and anxiety.  I began to emotionally eat again at times.  I focused on my mental health and my weight inched back up.  In December of 2016 I was hospitalized again.  I was on at least six meds.  They took me off all of them and started me on Seroquel.  I began taking two capsules at bed time.  It was nice to not be on so many meds.  They also recommended I start seeing a new therapist. They thought the change would be good for me.  It was weird seeing someone new.  I’m grateful she is nice and easy to talk to.

I had lab work done and found out I am deficient in Iron and Vitamin D.  So the weight loss surgeon’s office suggest I start taking Iron, Vitamin C and Vitamin D as well as a multi vitamin.  I will get labs again in three months.  My A1C level was also slightly up so my Psych doctor started me on Metformin.  I take two at night before bed.  My psych doctor said that the Seroquel is to blame for the recent weight gain and increase in A1C.  My regular doctor reassured me that I am not diabetic.    She said they put me on the Metformin to counteract the Seroquel.  I will say that since I’ve been on Seroquel, I have had night time food cravings and I have given in to them.   I’m glad to say that I’m doing a lot better mentally now and I’m back to work full time.

I work from home now.  It’s made my job a lot more tolerable.  I’m not so miserable now.  I really like it.  I don’t have to go anywhere in the morning.  And I can wear comfy clothes. Shoot I can wear my PJ’s if I want to.  It’s been a couple weeks now since I started at home.  I hope I can work from home permanently.  Right now though it’s a 2 month pilot.  Stress is not bad at all and I haven’t had any anxiety issues either.  Working from home has been a good change.

As for my weight, I’m back to working on it again.  I joined a gym two weeks ago and have started to go three times a week for now.  Right now, the focus is on cardio so all I’m doing is biking.  The first week was 20 minutes a session.  The second week, I upped it to 30 minutes.  I rode 4.5 miles in that 30 minutes so that’s not too bad.  I’m also recording my food again.  I use MyFitnessPal and my username is dottiemay71.  Feel free to friend me if you’re on there also.  My struggle is drinking enough water.  I wasn’t getting any water in at all.  I always drank pop or tea or juice.  Water was not part of my diet at all.  I’m trying to make it a part now; even if it’s flavored water.

Well, I think that’s it for now.  Thanks for reading all of this.  I’m going to try to get back on here and blog more often.

Peace – Love – Smiles

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Midlife Work

Posted on March 14, 2016 by

It’s Monday after a nice 4-day weekend. It was really tough coming into work today. I almost didn’t. I know that I should be grateful for a job and I am. However, my heart is no longer in this job.  I can honestly say I don’t like it anymore.  That makes for a tough morning every day (except for weekends).  I don’t like time to fly and yet I find myself looking forward to the weekend every week.

I don’t know why I feel this way about my job. Perhaps it’s the longevity. I’ve been here since I graduated high school. In May, it’ll be 27 years. The reason I haven’t left this place is because I have 6 weeks of vacation.  I love my vacation time.  If I were to go to something different, I certainly wouldn’t have that much vacation.

I need to dig in my heart and ask myself, what is it I want to do. You know what I’d love?  If my husband could realize his dream of owning his own business.  Then, I could work with him. That would be something different and working with my husband is a dream for me.  Get me out of this corporate world.  Being unhappy about it every day I come here can’t be good.  One person can only take it for so long.  I have been searching job openings though just in case something pops out at me.

If I can’t work with my husband, the next thing I’d like is to be a life/health coach. That, however, requires schooling and I’m not going to try that again. I’m already buried in school loans for the other couple times I tried.  This last time I tried, I ended up having my first anxiety and panic attacks and eventually ended up hospitalized.  I stayed at the hospital 5 different times now. I am praying that there’s no more.  After my last stay at the hospital, my daughter said that the job was why I was having this difficulties and I should consider applying for disability.  I was off so long at one point I did have to apply for social security. I was denied of course.  Honestly, I too think work is a part of it.

Perhaps this is a midlife crisis. I want to do something different. I want to explore. I like photography, perhaps I can do something with that. Perhaps my husband and I could get to working on Body by Vi (Visalus). One of the guys that I know was able to quit his corporate job he did so well with it.  He’s still doing well.

I’m sick of this cubicle.

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