A Year and Some Lessons

Hello Friends!

I’m not sure how long this one will end up being or how emotional or possibly depressing? Hmmm. It’s January and it marks one year since I was told I was no longer loved and that my ex wanted a divorce. And actually, he really didn’t come right out and say he wanted a divorce. I even asked and he said I don’t know! However, he was not interested in marriage counseling so what the hell? I also found out that he really was no longer interested at the end of summer 2017 but didn’t say anything because my then employer was starting to do layoffs and he just couldn’t bring himself to say anything. I have so many words for him for doing that. I was working at that time and he should’ve just come out and said it then. Life probably would’ve been a whole lot easier on me. But no, instead he waits until the new year after I’m unemployed and have nothing. Great timing. Ugh! I did not qualify for spousal support because I was the breadwinner for all those years. I worked for them for 28 years full time and I carried the benefits for our family during that time as well. I can’t even tell you how many jobs my ex had that he quit for one reason or another. But I stuck by his side through all of them. We went through some very low points because of his many times quitting jobs. I had to ask my great grandparents if I could borrow money to pay rent one time and I can’t tell you how awful I felt. It was the worst thing I had to do. I remember my counselor at the time asking me why I put up with that crap? I guess it’s because I felt so strongly about my wedding vows. In sickness and health, for richer for poorer…yada yada. My great-grandparents had a life long marriage. 70+ years at the time of their passing. That’s what I wanted. That’s what I lived for. And, that’s why I busted my ass after my ex cheated back in 2005 to forgive and trust again. That was NOT easy to do. I went to a lot of counseling. I was so uneasy all the time. I couldn’t go out with friends. I didn’t ever want to do anything unless it was with him. I didn’t like it if he called another woman dear or anything like that. It was an awful time, but I worked hard. Notice, I said “I”. He never went to counseling and we never went to counseling together either. That should’ve been a clue to me back then. But my kids were younger then and I did not want to be a single mother. I just wasn’t prepared for that I guess. That and my life’s goal was to have a life long marriage and I took my vows seriously. I had no idea that later down the road, I would be told “I don’t love you anymore, I want out.” What a slap in the face, if you ask me! He even said that things haven’t been the same since 2005! Jesus Mary and Joseph! I couldn’t believe those words came out of his mouth! I think he probably had another girlfriend and it was easy to just bail. But who knows. And really? Do I want to know?

At first, when I was told this, I thought life was over and for the first time I contemplated my own death! As I type this now, I can’t believe it. But yes, I didn’t think life was worth living at that moment. I was just tossed out like trash. Who would ever want me? I might as well not be here! I cried so much. And I’m not exactly sure what changed my mind, but whatever it was, I’m glad. Lesson#1, I’m not the cause of this. I’m not the reason he wanted out. This was his doing. And just because he didn’t love me anymore doesn’t mean it was my fault! The problem lies with him!

I’m so glad I realized that! I started to take little steps to move forward. Things were not easy. I had no job and no income. My unemployment ran out and I went through my 401K to get by. It sucks! 2018 was certainly a trying year. But it was also a year of self-discovery. Oh and I also was baptized on January 7 of that year as well. I was rather disappointed that neither of my girls came to witness the event. But my brother came and he recorded it and took some pictures so I was grateful for that.

In the last year, I have learned just how strong I really am. My brother told me that I was being held back and I’m finding that to be true now. I’ve made a lot of new friends. I get out and do things. I go places by myself now and I’m okay with that. I drove to Tennessee to visit my uncle. That’s the furthest I’ve driven on my own. Prior to my divorce, I’d have never driven that far on my own. I hated to drive. But now, I don’t mind it. I returned to school as well and I’m studying psychology of all things! Oh my psychiatrist believes that some of my mental illness issues may have been a result of my previous relationship with my ex. When he first suggested that, I was like what! It kind of shocked me. But when I sat and really thought things through…it made sense.

Lesson #2, he wasn’t the one. Even though we were married for 26+ years, he just wasn’t the man I was meant to spend the rest of my days with. I don’t believe I’m destined to be alone. There’s someone for me. God has someone special in mind for me. I just have to be patient. It’s His time, not mine.

Although, I have to admit that being lonely really does suck. There are times when I just sit and cry because I miss the companionship. I don’t miss my ex or even being married necessarily. But I miss the companionship. There are times when I sit and thing, boy I’m ready for my life to move on. I’m ready for the next step. I’m ready to love again. And, it’s only been a year.

I suppose I’ll end it there for now. Wherever you are in this world, I wish you peace, love and happiness. Keep smiling.

Dottie May 🌻

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A Fond Memory

Hello friends!

I’m sorry it has been so long since I’ve written. I will admit, I struggled to get through the holidays. Christmas was awful. I didn’t see either of my kids. And I only heard from one of them. The other didn’t respond to my text. I still have their gifts sitting on my table. Nope, I still haven’t seen them. I spent the day alone. Worst Christmas I’ve ever had! I also spent New Years alone. So it wasn’t much better. But I chose to be alone that night. I was actually invited to a friends house, but I just wasn’t feeling up to going. So, overall, my holidays pretty much sucked.

So, how about that memory?

Every summer when I was young, I would spend a few weeks with my grandparents, my dads parents and my aunt. My aunt was only a few years older than me so we were very close, more like sisters. My grandpa was Herb, grandma was Ruth and aunt was Amy. One summer when I was about 7, I was spending time with them. I always enjoyed my time there. I loved getting away from my dads house. He was a drug abuser and I didn’t have a lot of respect for my step mom. Anyway, on this particular evening, Amy and I were waiting for my grandpa to get home from work. Grandma and us wanted to go out to dinner so we knew we would have to ask nicely. When he finally got home, Amy and I kept singing “Gee, we are glad you are home!” Over and over until he finally said what do you want?

We asked if we could go out for dinner. From there, grandma told him what to wear and had him take a shower. He complied even though he wanted a beer before dinner. She had him put on a light colored shirt with buttons and dress pants.

We went to Sweden House on Plainfield. At dinner the subject of his shirt somehow came up. I, the smart 7 year old, tried to convince him that he was wearing a blouse because it had buttons! Of course he said no! It’s a shirt. I continued to argue with him that he was most definitely wearing a blouse! My grandma and aunt both thought it was pretty funny! I’m not sure who it was that put it in my head that shirts with buttons were blouses! My aunt and I both laugh about it to this day.

After dinner, grandma wanted to get her lottery tickets. Grandpas response was “Jesus Christ Ruth! Again! Every fricken day!” My grandma was really into lottery tickets. Grandpa didn’t want to stop at the party store…he wanted to get home. My aunt and I laugh about his responses to her lottery habits too.

If you can picture a young girl arguing with her grandpa about the shirt he was wearing, then hopefully you’ll see the humor.

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

🌻 Dottie May

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An Anniversary of Sorts

Two years ago today, or, technically yesterday now, I was being released from Pine Rest mental hospital. I’m so proud that I’ve been hospital free for two years now! My therapist even commented on how well I’ve done this year considering how awful it has been at times. I have gotten myself through some very challenging times. Praise God. I am so much stronger than I ever thought I could be. 2018 was hell! And no, I’m not exaggerating. But I suppose that just means 2019 is going to be much better. I have to thank my friends and family that have been there for me as well. I’m forever changed. In the past, I would isolate and not talk to anyone. Now in times of crisis, I reach out! Oh sometimes I do cry alone but that’s very healing. As strong as I’ve gotten, I’m fully ready to say goodbye to 2018! Onward!

I also want to thank you, my readers. You are of great support as well! So, thank you and God bless.

Wherever you are in this world, I wish you peace and happiness!

🌻 Dottie

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The Effects of Volunteering

Hello Friends!

I meant to post last night, but I was just too tired.  I haven’t posted in a couple days have I?  My apologies. Things once again have brought on more anxiety.  My car is facing repossession. I think I’ve already mentioned that.  I need to get a payment made in order to put a hold on the repossession order.  I’ve asked my daughters if I could borrow money from them. I feel horrible for asking.  What parent wants to ask their children for money?  But I stooped to a level I never wanted to.  I helped my oldest with money early in the year. She needed $900 for school. I had my severance money so I was able to help her out.  I was hoping she would return the favor. But no she isn’t able to.  I haven’t heard from my other, but I’m guessing she won’t be able to either.  It’s hard.  My youngest lives with me and really has never had to pay anything as she got older.  Granted now she gives money to her dad for her cell phone and her car insurance.  She also has a car payment.  She buys a lot of her own food.  But I’ve never charged her rent and perhaps I should have.  I just give it to God and pray.  And I take my anxiety medicine as I need to.

Onto a better subject and the reason for the title of this post.  Last night, I went with a group from church to volunteer at a place called Exodus Place.  It’s a home for men. It’s a large place.  We were there to help serve Christmas dinner. I scooped green bean casserole onto the plates.  After I was done with that, then I got to enjoy my own dinner while conversing with other volunteers and residents.  After dinner, they held a raffle. They gave away a TV and a tablet to two lucky residents. You should’ve seen the winner of the TV. He was so excited! The winner of the tablet was an older gentleman and he had no idea how to use a tablet. I told him he needed to find someone to tutor him and that he would have a lot of fun with it.  The men also got a Christmas present too.  They all got a laundry basket with some essential items like hats/gloves, laundry soap, and other items.  I introduced myself to several residents and had conversation with some.  The winner of the TV, gave me a hug and said Merry Christmas and told me to be safe out there.  It was such an amazing evening.  It really kept my mind off my own situation.  It was healing to my heart. I felt good to serve others and bring smiles to others faces.  I, of course, wore my Santa hat and my Santa hat leggings.  I looked festive.  It is very possible that many of these men don’t have other family and would otherwise be homeless if not for Exodus Place.  This place is amazing.  I know I will go back to volunteer another time.  Last night before I went to sleep, I prayed and thanked God for all those who make Exodus Place possible for all those men.  I thanked Him for my life as well. I have tough times right now, but there is always someone that has it worse and I have to remember that and be grateful for my blessings.  

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and smiles.

Much love,

Dottie May 🌻

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6 Month Post Op VSG and I Baked Today!

Hello Friends! 

Happy Friday and end of week and start of weekend! I didn’t blog yesterday and I should have.  Yesterday I had my 6 month post op appointment following my surgery I had in April.  Everything is looking good. I’m down a total of 86 pounds.  The only thing is, I am deficient in Vitamin B1 so I need to start taking a supplement for that. I also have to take a B12 sublingual.  I didn’t know I was supposed to be taking one of those all along.  My weakest part of my weight loss journey is getting my protein in…my diet.  I don’t eat enough.  This is totally opposite of what I used to be.  It used to be whenever I got emotional, I would look for something to eat to make me feel better. For some reason, I found comfort in food – all types of food.  Sweet, savory, you name it.  Any any type of emotion could bring about my desire to binge too.  Now, however, if I get emotional, I do the opposite. I have no desire to eat. I go in my room and lay down and cry and cuddle my stuffed animals.  And if by chance I do eat something, it generally makes my stomach upset.  

As a result of my poor eating, my hair has been thinning really bad.  This is due to the rapid weight loss and lack of protein mostly.  So, the dietician and doctor both said, if I need to use protein drinks or smoothies to get my protein in, then do it!  I need to be shooting for 60-80 grams per day; preferably 80.  

As far as exercise, I was doing great before the snow and cold set in.  So, now the goal has been set for me to try hitting the trail outside twice a week and then doing my exercise dvd’s at least once a week.  I explained to the exercise physiologist that getting out in nature helped soothe my soul and that my happy place was at the lakeshore.  While it’s not feasible to go out to the lakeshore daily, I can head over to the White Pine Trail that runs along the Rogue River.  At least that’s still getting out in nature.  

So, on to the baking I did today.  Tonight was Heart & Home at my brother’s church and we were asked to bring 3 dozen cookies and a $5 gift card.  I actually did bake 2 dozen. I made Salted Caramel and Oatmeal Chocolate Chip.  I was going to make some molasses cookies; however, I discovered that I didn’t have any flour.  So, I decided I was going to go to the store and get some ingredients to make something else and at the same time get the gift card.  I got to the store and realized I didn’t have my ID!!  Where the heck could it be?!  I realized the last time I had it out was a few days prior at another store on the other side of town. So I quickly went to that store and thankfully, they still had my ID!! I was so relieved.  But now, I was running late on time so I ended up buying cookies for my last batch.  I got the gift card too.  The event at church started at 6:30 and I probably didn’t get there until 7.  But, my brother and sister in law were also running late so I didn’t feel too bad.  Dinner was catered. Chicken, potatoes, salad, green bean casserole. It was really good.  I just had chicken, potatoes and green bean casserole and some juice to drink.  

The bible lesson was great.  I had a great time and brought home a few treats. I didn’t take many because I certainly don’t need them.  

So aside from nearly losing my ID, today was pretty good.  I can’t believe I actually baked.  I hadn’t baked in a really long time.  I’m glad they turned out okay and they seem to go over well.

I’m going to end it here.  Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and smiles.

Dottie May 🌻

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Therapy and Med Management Appointments

Hello Readers!  

Today was a much better day than yesterday so that’s good.  I had both my therapy appointment and my med management appointment at the Psychiatrist’s office.  My therapy appointment went pretty well. I always enjoy being able to discuss my feelings that I’ve been having.  One emotional statement that I had made to someone yesterday and I shared with her today was a little concerning for her.  That was… “I hate my life.”  We discussed this statement further to be sure I wasn’t suicidal.  I’m not.  It’s just that yesterday is when I found out the bank was looking for my car and I got extremely scared, while also being angry because they were calling my ex and ignoring all my emails that I have been sending to them.  I know they want their money, but I just would like them to at least acknowledge my emails.  Anyway, I shared my feelings about this with my therapist so she understood more.  We then talked about Thanksgiving and then other financial stressors including my phone being shut off and not being able to do the Shipt shopping, not getting the Kohl’s job.  I told her I have been crying quite frequently.  But with everything, she was impressed by the fact that I take time to feel my emotions and that I still reach out to others and I don’t completely isolate myself.  She is so happy that I seem to have so many people supporting me.  So am I.  I am certainly blessed in that regard. While I was there, she shared a paper with me, the Top 11 Tips to Soothe your Mind and Body During the Holiday Season.  I also picked out a new decorated rock for my collection. This time, I chose “Dream”.  

My Psych appointment went alright too. No changes in meds are required.  I told him about a letter I got from the Michigan DHS about not meeting my requirement of working 80 hours a month for food assistance and that I thought that my depression and anxiety were getting in the way. So he said he would write a letter to DHS and see if I could be excused from that requirement.  I thought that was very nice of him to do that.  So, we’ll see if DHS accepts it.  I hope they do.  My blood pressure was up a little while I was there. But it always is when I go there. It also could be my depression and anxiety too.  

It’s now 6:37 and I still need to eat dinner.  I know I’m actually blogging early in the evening! That’s a first! 

I got my text book in the mail for my class that’s starting in January.  “The American Promise – A Concise History”.  And I never cancelled the English class so it looks like I may be doubling up on classes in January! Yikes!  I hope I can handle it.  The English class is one that I had dropped back in March because of the divorce and I needed to take a break.  Time is flying by.  

I’m really not ready for Christmas at all.  But I’m still trying to be cheery and upbeat as much as I can.  I save the down times and crying to my personal time…for the most part.  

I’m going to end here.  Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and smiles.

DottieMay 🌻

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Doing My Best To Stay Strong

Today started pretty strong. I had Girl Talk which was hosting a woman’s breakfast at the church followed by a special Old Kids Choir concert. I attended both and enjoyed them very much.  I did record videos of most of their performance numbers. But I only posted a couple within my VLOGMAS Day 4 video on YouTube. A link to my channel is the side bar. 

After the performance at church, I had to run an errand in Grand Rapids. It was then that I received a text from my ex husband. Apparently, the credit union has been calling him to let him know they are looking for my car. There is a loan on my car and I am behind. I haven’t been hiding it or anything. Anyway, I immediately felt my anxiety go through the roof.  What was I going to do if my car is taken away? I cried and prayed all the way home. I texted a friend of mine letting him know what was going on.  He is so sweet and is trying to help me out. When I got home, I took one of my anxiety pills.  Aside from being full of anxiety, I was also angry. I have been emailing the credit union several times to let them know my situation and they have not once gotten back with me. I am unable to call because my phone is shut off.  I became so frustrated.  So I went in my room and laid down for awhile.  Cried some more and cuddled my teddy bears.  Yes, 47 and cuddling teddy bears!

Later in the evening, I went to the final meeting of GriefShare.  I’m glad I went because I needed the support.  I broke down in tears there too.  I started to doze off a little during the video – shame on me! But after the video, we did a little game and got presents. It was a good time and helped alleviate my ill feelings.  

I’m doing my best to stay strong and give it to God. Oh, to top it off, I did not get the job at Kohl’s.  

For now, I’m just going to call it a day and go curl up under the blankets and pray some more.  I know I’m not weathering the storm alone.  One thing at a time, I’ll make it through.  Some how, some way…the door will be opened.  

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and smiles.

Dottie  🌻

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