I Fell Hard

Posted on May 31, 2019 by

Hello friends.

I’m sitting here in tears once again. I’ve been crying off and on since yesterday afternoon. It’s my own fault.

I was reacquainted with a guy I dated back in high school and to be honest, I fell pretty hard for him. He called me beautiful and sweetie and it just felt so good to have someone local calling me those things. And when I met up with him, he gave the nicest hug and kiss. My heart was just so happy again and I fell so hard for him.

Here’s the problem though. He does flea markets and travels a lot and only lives here during the summer months. Then he travels in his small camper trailer and lives in Florida. So he’s not in a position for a relationship. I asked. He said maybe but traveling makes it hard. And it didn’t sound like he was willing to have a traveling partner.

So…I’m feeling all broken-hearted again. This time, it’s my fault.

I’m feeling so lonely. For those of you that are single and ready for a relationship, how do you cope through the loneliness? I really fell hard. I didn’t even wanna get up this morning and I can’t even bring myself to eat anything. Yeah it’s that bad. How can someone grab my heart so quickly?

Dammit!

Dottie May 🌻

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It’s Been A Nice Weekend

Posted on May 28, 2019 by

Hello friends!

Wow! I’m really doing a horrible job of keeping up on this blog. Part of that is because I’ve actually started working now and even though I’ve only worked four shifts now, I’m still pretty beat. I’m at McDonald’s and I’ve only done four 3-hour shifts. But I’m definitely not used to being on my feet constantly and all the physical labor. I’ve been doing dining room and bathrooms; which includes cleaning tables, sweeping, mopping, taking trash out, cleaning windows, maintaining drink station and cleaning bathrooms too. It’s a lot especially when it’s busy. Today was my first time working solo.

Friday 5/24 was a trigger date as it would’ve been my 28 year wedding anniversary. I got through the day much better than I anticipated I would. I didn’t break down in tears or anything. The weather was dreary. I did have to work for a few hours and after that came home and did laundry and dishes. I would’ve rather done something else but it was raining so I was limited and I didn’t have a lot of money. I did good keeping myself busy. I wrote my first entry in my new journal. It’s a personalized journal. Each page has a scripture with my name incorporated into it. It’s such a cool little journal.

Saturday 5/25 was my birthday! I am now 48 years old! Or should I say young? I’m not afraid of my age. I feel I look good for my age. I think that comes from good genes but also not wearing makeup. I had to work on my birthday also. But then afterwards, I went to my aunt and uncles. We watched some movies and then went and cleaned graves at the cemetery. After that, we went to my happy place! We had a picnic at the beach, walked the beach and we swung on the swings (which I’m calling a non scale victory), we watched the sunset and then watched the musical fountains. Swinging was so much fun! The whole night was fun. I’ll insert some pictures …or try…

Sunday 5/26, I went to church and it was my first time volunteering the Welcome Table. When I got there, I took a picture of myself and I just loved the picture because you could see my collar bones protruding. It quickly became my new favorite. After church I got some supplies and went and cleaned the grave stones of my moms and grandparents. I still have more stones to go in the family plot. The act of cleaning the stones was very therapeutic for me. I had some music playing and sang along at times. The weather was perfect and I actually got my first bit of sunburn. I need to buy some sunscreen! Later in the evening, I went with my friend Malia to her church for game night. That was fun too. We played a game called Silly Street with her grandkids and her son.

My heart goes out to all those affected by the horrible weather activity. The news just said there have been over 200 tornadoes reported in the last week in the Midwest. It makes me wanna cry. And I have. And there continues to be watches and warnings.

Also my respect to all those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our beautiful country, the land of the free because of those brave men and women. Thank you for your service…I know I’m technically a little late as Memorial Day is now over. However, I am always respectful and grateful for those that serve.

Now, it’s the 28th and it’s Oaklee’s birthday! She is two today. I’m making her peanut butter pup-cakes later. I will make sure to share photos.

I’ve reconnected with a friend that I hadn’t seen since high school. We have been chatting on Facebook Messenger and it’s been really nice. We may get together on Thursday and I’m really excited to be honest.

My depression has not been so rough lately and I attribute that to nicer weather and being able to get out and enjoy nature more. I’ve lost a few pounds again. I feel like I’m back on track again with my weight loss. I’ve been tracking my food with my LoseIt app. I track my activity with the map my fitness app on my phone or the health app as well. On my wish list is an Apple Watch because I’m not allowed to have my phone on me at work and I’d love to know what kind of steps I’m getting in during that time.

As far as my living situation, I’m still looking but no luck. My credit is really poor. My brother mentioned maybe going in together on a place as they are trying to find something closer to their work as well. It may be an option, as long as it’s affordable and the place is decent size for all of us. They have four kids.

Well I think that’s it for now. Thanks for following along.

I wish you peace, love and happiness wherever you are in this beautiful world.

Dottie May 🌻💕

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Where Have I Been?

Posted on May 16, 2019 by

Hello friends! It certainly seems like it’s been forever! My apologies. This will serve as a bit of an update as well as some thoughts.

I should’ve read my last post to see just how long it’s been. We are already in the middle of May and the weather is finally getting nice. Praise the Lord. I’ve been on a couple of bike rides both just over 10 miles! I was so proud of myself! I really enjoyed myself. I did post on You Tube of course. My depression isn’t quite as bad as it was and I’m not shoveling in the mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups like I was so that’s a good thing! I had been putting on weight because of the poor diet due to the emotional eating due to the depression. Yes I know nobody forced those things in my mouth. But I’m here to tell you that chocolate really does help make me feel better. It’s like a little hug. I know it might sound crazy to some but I believe it to be true. Anyway, since the weather has been getting nice, I’ve been able to get outside more and start walking and riding. It’s helped. I also took my first hike around a local lake the other day. It was a 2 mile hike and I think I did pretty darn well. I did stop mid-way through and sat on this big large log and just reflected and prayed and ended up crying. Nature is so soothing but it’s also a great place to connect with God. Thankfully nobody was around. It was just me and the birds and chipmunks and swans and any other animals I couldn’t see.

May 14 was the day I was out and that day would’ve been 30 years with my former employer Meijer. And coming up on May 24 would have been 28 years of marriage. So May is another bittersweet month. I sat there and thought about a lot of incidents and memories. I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past but when anniversary dates come around, it’s hard not to think about them. Also, Facebook is good at reminding you of things as well. And with a marriage, even your kids will bring things up at times. I remember hearing people talk about hindsight being 20-20 but never gave it a whole lot of thought until experiencing it now with divorce and losing my long time employment. It’s like these a-ha moments pop in my head and I see things so clearly that I never saw while living through the moments. And then I ask myself, “how did I not see that?” Life would be so much different had I realized these things back then. But it’s not my time, it’s Gods time…right?

I struggle. I get jealous at times seeing happy couples. I know jealousy is frowned upon and I shouldn’t be. But sometimes, it just hurts. Being alone is not easy. Now I’ve talked to some divorced women who say they will NEVER ever get married again and they are completely happy being alone. I’m not one of them. I’m not opposed to marriage again even though my heart was completely shattered and I was cheated on. I know that not all men are a-holes.

I’ve been working on purging items in the house. I donated two large bags of my ex’s clothes that he left behind and I donated five large bags of clothes that I no longer wear. Yesterday I went through this box and found all the sympathy cards that were sent to me when my mom passed away back in 2006! One of the cards was from the girl and her husband that my husband cheated on me with. Yes she was actually a friend of mine too. She was significantly younger than me and also married. That’s another story. I decided I did not need any of the cards and threw them all away. They’d been stashed in that box so long and were serving no purpose. I didn’t even shed a tear believe it or not. I just visited my moms grave too a couple days before Mother’s Day. There’s SO much in this house to go through.

I accepted a job at McDonald’s. I have been putting in tons of resumes but having zero luck trying to find anything significant. I don’t know why my problem is. It’s quite frustrating. I’d like to find something decent paying with insurance. But for now it’s McDonald’s. I start on Saturday working 11 to 2. I’ll have to let you all know how it goes. I’m quite nervous. I haven’t worked fast food since high school. I told my youngest daughter that I feel like I’m starting life all over again as a teenager except I’m older and instead of having no credit, I have horrible credit. I don’t have any idea where I’m going to live. I’ve applied to a couple apartment complexes but was turned down due to poor credit history. I’m not surprised. This last year, my credit tanked due to being out of work and not able to make payments and then my house being foreclosed didn’t help either. There are times that I wish my mom was still alive so I could live with my mom again. Although it’d be tough.

I am just holding on to my faith and praying that God will open a door. If you’re the praying type, please pray with me. If you’re a non-believer, just send me some sunshine and smiles and positive thoughts. I’d certainly appreciate it.

I’m so behind on reading blogs and I apologize.

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and smiles.

Dottie May

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Struggling

Posted on April 22, 2019 by

Hello friends! Happy belated Easter to all of you. I hope you were able to have an enjoyable day. I’m not going to lie, my day was a little difficult. It started fine. I chose to go to the sunrise service at church at 7 a.m. It was held in the garden area of the church. Following the short service, a breakfast was served. I couldn’t eat much, but I did eat something. From there, I came home.

I didn’t get to see my daughters at all. But I texted both of them to say Happy Easter and I love you. I only heard back from my youngest. I was a bit sad that my oldest never responded. For the record, my girls don’t like talking on the phone so that’s why I texted.

Last week Sunday, I went to my brothers church to witness my youngest niece get baptized. Later in the day I got a Facebook message from the oldest niece indicating that they were planning on meeting for dinner on Easter at 5 and I was invited.

So yesterday, prior to meeting them I decided to go spend some time by the river and do some reading. The weather was beautiful and I’m trying so hard not to isolate. From there I went to the restaurant where I was supposed to meet my brother and his family. I got there and messaged my brother to let him know I was there. I then learned that the plan was never made because my brother and sister in law had to work at 5:15. So I was there for nothing. I was disappointed. So I left and got chocolate on the way home. I don’t know how I wasn’t in the know about the dinner not happening.

I’ve turned to those little mini Reese peanut butter cups! They’re definitely my weakness. And I hate that I keep losing to this horrible little devil! Last week, I had gained a couple more pounds. I hate seeing the scale go up and yet I still have turned to these little morsels for times of sorrow. I hate depression and I hate even more that I have this weakness! I thought I was stronger!

I woke this morning crying! Sometimes going on Facebook is difficult because of the memories it throws at you. I am glad I have my Oaklee. I’m not sure what I’d do without her. She seems to know when I need the cuddles.

I have so much to do with regard to packing this house and trying to find a place to live! It’s overwhelming! And this depression is making it 10,000 times worse because I lack motivation to do much of anything.

I hope things improve! And soon…At least the weather is better.

Wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

Dottie May 🌻

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One Year Later…

Posted on April 16, 2019 by

Hello Friends. I’m so sorry I haven’t been writing like I should. But I really need to get back to it. It was even suggested by my therapist.

It’s been a rough few weeks. Depression and anxiety are a bit high again. I’ve even gained a few pounds as a result because I gave into the chocolate cravings. And if you ask, did the chocolate help, I’m going to say yes. For some reason, chocolate does seem to soothe me a bit. But I need to get away from turning to it so much because I can’t keep gaining weight. I don’t want to go back to the super morbidly obese person I once was!

You’ll note the title of this post is “One Year Later…”. I can’t believe it’s been a year since signing the judgement of divorce. Technically it was last week, but I was overwhelmed last week. I’m happy to say I’ve managed to get through the year without being hospitalized! Quite frankly, that’s huge! Even my therapist has commented on how incredibly proud she is at how well I’ve done. From 2013 – 2016 I had been hospitalized a good 7 times. And 2018 was by far the worst year of my life having to deal with major job loss and divorce. And yes I fully realize many deal with much worse and it could’ve been worse. But for me, it was bad. I was always afraid to be alone and now all of a sudden I was forced to live alone. I did it…I’m doing it! I’ve done a lot of self discovery and I’ve learned just how strong I am. Non of my psych meds needed to be changed either which is also incredible. I believe I have my faith in Christ to credit for much of my fight. I know I wasn’t weathering the storm of life alone. I was baptized on January 7 last year. I became a member of my church on Easter Sunday. So I guess that’s another anniversary to be celebrated as well. When I signed those divorce papers, I was incredibly hurt. I hated it and I didn’t want it. I remember walking out of that court room and telling my ex, “I hope someone shatters your heart one day the way you’ve shattered mine!” To be quite honest, one year later I still feel the same. I know that’s probably not right.

Last week in church, the topic was forgiveness. It was such a hard thing to hear. I know in my mind that forgiving is for me..to release me. However, my heart is still struggling. I still harbor such hate and anger toward him. I blame him for much of what I’ve been through during the year as a result including losing the house recently. I know I need to forgive him. Christ forgave us and I need to do the same! It’s just SO hard!! Have you ever had to humble yourself and forgive someone who wronged or hurt you terribly? I would love to know how you did it.

I’m still trying to find a steady job/income so that I can find an apartment. I’m feeling defeated lately. Please pray for me if you’re the praying type. Or send positive thoughts if you’re not. I need to find something. Uber Eats Delivery is not enough. I’ve been applying like crazy to jobs. Most recently I applied with the USPS. Today I need to do an online assessment. I hope that goes well. I had an interview at a preschool/daycare center yesterday. It went okay. The job only pays $10/hour and I’m not sure if I could live on that once in an apartment? I pray the perfect job for me comes soon.

I’ve been doing a lot of coloring on my iPad. It’s been therapeutic for me. I post the pictures to my Instagram and Facebook. My therapist thinks I should write more too so I’m going to try to do that. I’ve always enjoyed writing and it too has been therapeutic. I don’t mind sharing my story. Maybe I can help someone who is also struggling?

Well, I suppose that’s all for now. I hope you all are doing well. Be blessed.

I wish you peace, love and happiness.

Dottie May 🌻

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Life is Hard

Posted on March 4, 2019 by

Hello friends! So, I’m not writing nearly as much as I’d like to. I didn’t know what to title this post but someone commented on my last post indicating life is hard and you know, it’s so true sometimes! Right now, I’m going through a tough storm. I feel like I’ve been weathering a storm for over a year since I initially lost my job of 28 years. I think that’s when it all started. Then it escalated when my now ex told me he wanted out of the marriage of nearly 27 years. He left and I got the house because it was inheritance from my great grandparents that got us the house. However, with no job it was impossible to pay the nearly $1,000 payment. And I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I didn’t qualify for spousal support. Why? Because I was the main breadwinner for all those years up until I lost my job. So unfair! Life…is hard!

I was happy when I landed a job in June. But then disappointed when they let me go in September because they couldn’t afford to keep me. And I wasn’t there long enough to collect unemployment.

I worked at Meijer for so darn long. I was so “Meijerized”. Finding employment was so hard! I didn’t find anything again until November. That was Shipt Shopping. It didn’t pay a lot, but it was something.

In January, I applied to do Uber Eats Delivery. I like that much better. I can get paid out each day. It also doesn’t pay a ton, but it’s something. I recently connected with an employment agency to help me find work. I had an interview last week for a part time job. This would be fine because I can supplement with the Uber job.

With all of this time of unemployment, I haven’t been able to pay my mortgage and therefore my house is in foreclosure. I think I already mentioned this. It’ll be sold by auction on 3/13. I saw two attorneys trying to do bankruptcy but both said I couldn’t do it. I’m guessing it’s because I don’t have enough income right now.

So…now, I’m praying to God that I can qualify to get into an apartment. As you can imagine, my credit is shot to hell! Apparently I have 6 months after the sale of the house. But honestly, I don’t want to wait that long. I’d like to find something and move and begin my new life in my own space! There’s still a link to my PayPal over on the right if you’d like to donate to my moving cause. If you’re the praying type, please pray that I can get in somewhere. Or send positive thoughts.

I’ve decided to withdraw from school until I’m settled somewhere because I’ve been so depressed and overwhelmed that I was finding it nearly impossible to focus. I’m hoping I’ll be somewhere by Fall and can resume at that time.

Also, I’m looking into getting my dog Oaklee as a support or service animal so that I can take her with me. I’ll have to find a new home for Xena. Shes too big for an apartment and needs room to run. I’ll be sad to see her go of course.

On another sad note, my dog Teddy, will be put down this Friday. He’s my Pomeranian that has been around since we got the house. He’s old and not doing too well. My daughter Kayleigh made the appointment. She and my other daughter and their dad are planning to take him. I don’t know if I wanna go or not. I can’t stand the thought of seeing him put down or my ex. I just don’t know if I can handle it. I don’t know what to do!

Life! It’s hard!

Wherever you are in this world, I wish you peace and happiness.

Dottie May 🌻

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Time for an Update

Posted on February 18, 2019 by

Hello Friends!

Have you wondered where I’ve been? Missed me at all? Probably not. LOL . Things have been difficult. Things are difficult. I did get that job working with developmentally disabled individuals. I worked a couple weeks however, I was only getting paid $10.50/hour. There were so many responsibilities including giving medications that I thought the pay was incredibly too low. Plus, I just couldn’t do it. I learned it was not the work I was made to do. So I’m looking in the IT field again. I’ll be meeting with a recruiter with a placement agency sometime this week.

Additionally, I received notice that my house is in foreclosure! I figured this would eventually happen since I haven’t been able to make the payments for awhile. However, it still stung. And they plan to sell via auction on 3/13. So I made an appointment with an attorney to talk about filing bankruptcy. My credit is shot anyway so it’s not going to hurt me and it may actually help me. I have that appointment on Wednesday at 10 a.m. I’m hoping it goes well and can in fact help me.

All of this has increase my depression and as a result I’ve given in to my chocolate cravings. I have gained some weight back and am at 278.2 now. I’m a little disappointed in myself. With all the snow and cold, I haven’t gotten out to exercise either. For some reason, I hate working out inside with DVDs. It’s too boring. I really need to change my attitude with that because I need exercise!

I’ve been doing Uber Eats Delivery for work and I actually like it. I can do a payout of my earnings the same day, which is cool. I don’t have to wait a week to get paid. That’s nice! And I don’t do too bad. On Saturday, I made just over $90. I could make more if I could see better at night. But I only do deliveries until dark. I can’t see addresses in the dark so I stop before then.

School has started back up and I’m in a Sociology class. I hope to keep up with class this time. I have a paper due tonight. I can’t let myself get so behind like I did with the last class. That’ll just cause me to be overwhelmed and stressed and I don’t want that to happen.

Well, I suppose that’s about it for now. I’ll try to come back more often and write. That is the purpose of this blog after all. I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. It’s been almost a month since I’ve seen her last. My appointments keep getting cancelled due to weather. Hopefully, this one doesn’t!

Take care and wherever you are, I wish you peace, love and happiness.

Dottie May 🌻

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