Lesson….Not Failure

Good day friends! For those that don’t know, I have been divorced for a little over two years now. And, when it first happened, I was crushed! Heartbroken beyond words. For the first time, I contemplated suicide because I didn’t think I could go on living, life wasn’t worth it. I’m glad that I didn’t follow through with any of that. But these last two years haven’t been easy. They’ve been a couple of the most difficult years I’ve been through. I still feel like I’m battling a storm, but it isn’t as bad as it once was. This month, the 24th to be exact, would’ve been my 29th wedding anniversary. And, I’ve been doing some packing to prepare for my move. The room I’ve been working on was a catch all and full of stuff. I ran across my wedding pictures. Memories can be difficult…no doubt about it. But all of it got me thinking about my marriage. For the better part of the two years, I’ve been believing that it was my fault the marriage ended. I saw myself as a failure of a wife. How could I not be since he said he didn’t love me anymore. Must be me.

Well…I’m here to say that I have turned things around. A marriage takes two and it was his decision to end it. I’m now viewing the marriage as a life lesson. It wasn’t a failed marriage and I am no failure! I wasn’t my true self in that marriage. The real me was buried. Only after the marriage ended did I start to find the true me. I also have God to thank for knowing he wasn’t the right one. He did after all step outside the marriage back in 2005. And perhaps, that’s when it should’ve ended but I couldn’t do it. I accepted his apology and worked my butt off to trust again. That marriage taught me a lot. I have grown so much stronger and way more independent in the last couple years. I know that one day I will be the perfect wife for the man that is truly meant for me. I do accept my part in the marriage ending because like I said, it takes two. I wasn’t all together there (probably due to my depression) and that is probably why he stepped outside the marriage and fell out of love. I’m happy to say that I’m on a great path to healing and I’m even happier that I see things for the way they should be. My therapist was really happy with my new way of thinking as well.

I’m not going to say that the 24th won’t be difficult this year; because it still might be. I just am thankful that all those years I ago I wasn’t able to get married on my birthday (the 25th) like I had wanted to. Could you imagine how awful my birthday would be? God knew back then the best and He knows now. The end of the month beginning of next, I’ll be moving to a new place so it’ll be another step in healing. I will no longer be connected to this house and it’s memories. A new chapter is about to start and I couldn’t be more thrilled…and slightly nervous I won’t lie. I’ve been in this house since 2002 so a new place will definitely be different. But a good different.

If you have had a divorce…first I’m sorry you had to go through that. I don’t wish it on anyone. It’s tough. But please, if you’re blaming yourself…stop. I guess there would be instances where one could be to blame, like an abusive situation…but if that doesn’t apply then please know that it’s not your fault. A good marriage takes two working together. If one isn’t willing, then the marriage won’t work, simple as that. I’m completely over my ex now. Do I still harbor some ill feelings…yes especially knowing he’s happily engaged, was able to do bankruptcy so he has no issues financially…I do harbor some ill feelings. I need to work on those. But one thing at a time.

My next chapter is starting…and God willing it’ll be a much better chapter than the previous!

Thanks for following along in my life journey. I appreciate you.

Peace ~ Love ~ Smiles

❤ Dottie May

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Feeling Lonely

Good morning friends and happy Saturday. Also, happy new month. I can’t believe we’re into May now. It’s my birth month! I’m turning 49 on the 25th. I can’t believe that either. Time sure flies doesn’t it?

I have a problem. I’ve been feeling so incredibly lonely lately. Like almost to the point of feeling physically sick. And, when I see couples holding hands or someone announcing their engagement, I feel tons worse. Jealousy much? Yes! I know it’s not right but I can’t help it or haven’t been able to help it yet. I’ve been divorced just over two years and I haven’t had a boyfriend at all in that time. Now I know, that’s not a very long time, but right now it’s feeling like it. I keep thinking I’m so ready to move on to the next chapter. But I know that its not something I have control over. I’m a believer so I know it’s in Gods hands. But I have been struggling with patience. I get so lonely that I’ve been talking to several people online. Unfortunately, you never really know who you’re talking to. Even pictures can’t tell the truth. So many people steal images off the internet and pretend to be someone they’re not. I hate that. Catfishing.

I actually put myself on a dating site, which I can’t believe I did. But I was hoping to meet some local guys. However, with this pandemic, meeting anyone is pretty difficult. I did meet a guy at a grocery store but he decided to go with another woman he met in the group. Yes, I’m also part of a few singles facebook groups. I don’t know if that really helps or hinders to be honest. Why can’t I just be happy with being single. And why are the feelings of loneliness so incredibly crippling?

Yesterday, I took myself to the lakeshore as it is my happy place. The sound of the waves hitting the shore is relaxing. I sat on the beach and all I could think about was how much more fun it’d be if someone was sitting next to me sharing in the moment. I have to get these thoughts out of my head because I’m not doing myself any bit of good. I know I have to be happy with where I’m at before anything else can come about. At least that’s what I’ve been told.

My therapist asked me what my happy would look like. I don’t need marriage or anything right now, but just having a relationship and someone to do things with and share experiences with, talk to, hug, cuddle and kiss. That would make me happy.

It’s supposed to be nice again today. I may go to the lakeshore again. I have a hard time staying inside when it’s so nice out. However, I will need to start some packing to prepare for moving. I’m still not sure when that’s going to happen yet. I wish someone would give me a date I guess. I would like to get an apartment of my own, but I haven’t been having good luck with that. My credit score sucks due to the divorce/losing my house and falling behind on everything. It’s a tough situation to be in.

I don’t know if this pandemic/stay home order is what is making things so much more difficult for me or what. It could very well be. I’m not seeing people like I used to. Not getting hugs or much conversation in person. Yeah, maybe that’s what it is. Our stay home order is supposed to be lifted on the 15th. We’ll see. I would love for things to open up and be able to visit people again. I miss my aunt and uncle a lot. I used to go to their place quite regularly. I do thank goodness for technology because at least we can keep in touch that way. But it’s not the same as face to face.

I hope you are all doing well. I thank you for following me and reading my posts. Writing does help some so I will plan to keep doing it. I post photos from the lakeshore to my Instagram so you can see those along the right. I’m also on Goodreads so you can see my progress and what I’m currently reading. I might try to do a little review on the books I read. I just am afraid that I’ll give away the story and I wouldn’t wanna do that. If you have some ideas for me on how to combat this lonely feeling, I’d love to hear them. For now, I’ll continue writing, coloring, listening to music and visiting the beach. I’ll try not to whine too much but I may just a little. That’s the purpose of a journal right? haha.

Take care lovelies and enjoy your day/weekend. I’ll be back soon.

Peace ~ Love ~ Smiles

Dottie May ❤

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Life Update

Good afternoon to whomever may still follow me. I appreciate you being here and apologize that it has been such a long time since my last post.

I was hospitalized in November for nearly a month for my mental illness(es). They include depression, anxiety, PTSD and SchizoAffective Disorder. It was a horrible time for me. The hospital I was in was on the other side of the state so I didn’t get visitors as often as I would’ve liked. My kids were my only visitors due to how far away I was. I thank God for them though. The hospital had me on what seemed like several medications and one of them caused nighttime bedwetting. That was awful to deal with. The problem continued after being released as well. I’ve had to wear adult diapers to bed at night. I hate it. Although, I have since been taken off the medication that caused it so things are improving thankfully. I go to therapy every few weeks and I also have med management. I don’t go for another med management visit until July though. I’m currently on 300 mg Seroquel at night and 10 mg Trintellix in the morning. I can’t even remember the name of the medication that caused the bladder issues. It was a difficult few months but I’m doing much better now.

I’m doing my best with the stay home order due to the coronavirus. I’ve not gone crazy and that’s good. My moods have been mostly good; aside from yesterday. I had a rough morning yesterday. It was the first time I cried in a few weeks. I’ve just been feeling overwhelmingly lonely. Sometimes I find myself feeling jealous of my ex who is happily engaged to the woman he more than likely cheated on me with. I know…I’m way better off without him, but I miss having someone to cuddle with and a dog is just not the same. Although I’m grateful to have Oaklee. Lately, I’ve been feeling more and more lonely and like I’m ready to have a relationship of my own. I’m not necessarily ready for marriage or anything just ready to have a boyfriend and enter that next chapter in life. There are some guys I talk to online but that’s not the same and honestly, you just never know who it is you’re talking to. I’ve seen plenty of episodes of Catfish to know that. I wish people could be trusted, but some just can’t. I’ve been doing things to try to keep busy but yesterday just hit me like a ton of bricks. Thankfully I had a tele-therapy appointment so was able to talk it out a bit. There is someone locally who I really like; however, I’m not sure he’s ready for a relationship. He’s a widow and it hasn’t been quite a year since he lost her. We’ve got a good friendship going and if it goes beyond that, I’d be fine but I’m not pushing anything. I have to be patient and understand that all is in Gods time, not mine. I will admit though that patience is a struggle at times.

I am currently in the same house but I will have to be moving at some point. I tried getting ahold of the law office that foreclosed my house to find out how long I have here but she just said she’d forward my email to the client. I haven’t heard anything else. I’m hopeful I have time though due to the virus. I really don’t think it’d be a good time to move. Plus, I can’t even get boxes to pack. Nobody is giving them out due to the virus. As we all know, a lot of life aspects have been affected. My credit also sucks so finding a place has been difficult. All the apartment complexes run a credit check so that doesn’t help me. Oh and due to the coronavirus, I’m unemployed as are many. Thankfully, I am getting Pandemic Unemployment Assistance. I don’t know what I’d do if I wasn’t getting the help.

I decided to update my blog and write again. I hope I can keep up with it and have something to write about that people would want to read. I don’t want it to be boring. However, my life is on the side of boring…especially now with the stay at home order in effect. I’d love to take a little road trip to the Mackinaw Bridge. It’s been awhile since I’ve been there. But I’m afraid, I’d get a ticket if I tried traveling that far during this pandemic. If you’re reading this, do you have any ideas of what I could write about? I could treat it as a journal and record my thoughts I suppose? Reveal my secrets to the blogosphere! lol

I’ve started to read more and made a goal to read 12 books this year. I’ve only completed one book so far. That was a book called Mr. Murder by Dean Koontz. Right now I’ve started a book called Chill Factor by Sandra Brown. I tend to enjoy psychological thrillers and suspense type novels. I was never big on reading until the last couple years. I’m not sure I’ll make my goal of 12 books or not. I could’ve had I started at the beginning of the year. I could’ve done a book a month. Although that’s even pushing it for me. I really have to be in a mood to read and it has to be something that can keep my attention. I will not get very far in a book if it doesn’t grab my attention relatively quick. I’d say I could write about the books I read, but I’m not very good at that without giving away the story.

What’s keeping you all busy during these difficult times? If I’m not reading, I’m watching movies or coloring. Now I’m going to add in blogging. I tend to also browse Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and at times play with Snapchat. Oh and TikTok too. There are some talented people out there. I’m kind of a social network junkie. I have experimented with some dating sites too. That surprises me to be honest because I’m really an introvert. But I’m almost thinking I’m more extrovert than I thought since this quarantine has me missing people. A lot. I miss hugs. Hugs have always been like medicine to me and now we can’t do that.

Well, I suppose I’ll go for now. If you’ve read this entire post, thank you! Please feel free to share what you’ve been doing to keep busy and how you are in general. Are you keeping your sanity? Are you trying new things that you’ve not done before? Let me know what you’d like to see me write about too.

Peace ~ Love ~ Smile

❤ Dottie May

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Grieving ~ Fears

Happy Saturday friends!

This past Tuesday, GriefShare started back up. We usually have the summer off. GriefShare is a support group for those who are suffering grief and loss. This is probably my fifth or sixth session of attending. I have lost several loved ones; both family and friends. However, my most recent losses having nothing to do with death. I shared these with the group. Most of them already know me and my issues. But we always share our stories and introductions during the first group if we are comfortable doing so. I always do because it helps to talk these things through and they are all there to help and support.

My most recent losses are my marriage, my job and my house. I will be honest, I was initially crushed when losing my marriage and for the first time, I contemplated suicide. I seriously thought my life was over anyway and those vows…I took seriously. Til death do us part. In my mind, if we were going to be apart, then death should be the reason. How is it someone just stops loving you after 26 years and chooses to be unfaithful? I struggled with that. I’m glad I didn’t follow through and glad I’m here to share. I still harbor ill feelings towards my ex though if I’m honest. He’s been able to declare bankruptcy and have his truck loan discharged. He had a place to live free (with his girlfriend). In my mind, it’s like the sinner was being rewarded. Why? is something I kept asking myself and God. My life has been a pretty chaotic storm since the divorce and I’m still waiting for the storm to clear. I have struggled so hard and have had feelings several times that I didn’t think it was fair that he is living so happy and carefree. I know I’m supposed to forgive him and every ounce tries. But I guess I’m just not ready. I feel like if I do then I’m saying it’s all good that your shattered my heart into a million pieces and threw me out like trash. It’s fine that you cheated. Deep down, I don’t feel it is. However, I do know that I’m better off without him and that there is someone else out there who will cherish me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I have not given up on love or marriage. Someday I hope to marry again….the right guy. My true soulmate that God has saved for me all this time.

Losing my job was also hard. I worked there for 28 years and a big part of me feared the unknown future. Looking back though, there were several times where I said I was sick of my job and wanted something different. Was this God’s way of pushing me?! Unfortunately, I haven’t found my dream job yet. I’ve submitted tons of resumes, but keep getting denials. Most of the time I don’t even get interviews. I’ve had my resume reviewed by Michigan Works as well as placement agencies and such. Yes, I’ve even tried getting jobs through the placement agencies where so many have had luck. Not me though. Still…nothing. So I’m doing Uber Eats deliveries. It gets me out and about and not sitting at a desk all day. I actually don’t mind it. I just wish everyday could be like yesterday as far as income. I made $119. Not bad for one day. I was pleased.

Losing my house isn’t easy either. I think the worst part is the bad marks on the credit report to be honest. I should have just tried to sell it on my own before it got to that point, but I didn’t have anywhere to go. Now, with such horrible credit, I can’t get in anywhere because they all look for good credit. I need to find someone to take me in. I know money can’t buy happiness…or so they say….but right now I think it could give me a lot of relief.

Fears…I haven’t talked on that yet. This was part of the GriefShare suggested journal idea. I do have some fears still. I’m afraid I’ll be alone forever. I’m afraid of not finding a place to live or income. I’m afraid I’ll lose more than I already have. I’m afraid of losing my car which right now is a lifeline. I used to fear death. That’s not such a fear anymore. I have found faith and know that I’ll be with my creator when death comes. But I hope that’s not for a long time. I feel like I have a lot of life left and my story isn’t over! I fear losing more loved ones. I fear getting too close to people because I don’t want to lose them. I fear heartbreak. Am I being ridiculous having so many fears!?

Thanks to those that follow and support me. I truly appreciate it. I wish you all a fabulous day/weekend!

Peace – Love – Smiles – Blessings

Dottie May ❤

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Feeling Desperate – Struggles

Good morning from here! I’m in Michigan for those that don’t know. However, not sure if I’ll stay in Michigan much longer. As many probably know, I lost my house due to foreclosure. After losing my long time job and marriage, I just couldn’t afford it and this was the result. I still have some time before I HAVE to move, but I need to work on packing. I still have bills to pay as well.

I have submitted dozens (more than dozens actually) of resumes to try to find a regular job. I just keep getting denials. I don’t know if it’s because of my age or that I don’t have a college degree or that I just worked for that one company too long and have no other experience. Maybe it’s a combination of all three of those things. I’m feeling so defeated as a result. My unemployment benefits have been exhausted. I am doing Uber Eats deliveries to try to earn some money. I do enjoy doing it; however it’s not always the best pay. Maybe it’ll get better as the weather gets worse and people don’t want to go out themselves anymore.

I’m trying not to let depression (severe) set in. I’m still coloring or reading and going to the lakeshore when I can; doing things that bring about joy the best as possible.

However, financially speaking I’m not doing well. I did set up a GoFundMe at one point, but they take out a percentage of the money. I know they have the right to do that but…

I really don’t want to beg for money and I don’t want to stand out on a corner panhandling (although I bet they make better money than me). However, I really do need some help. I’m over $1000 behind on my car payment. Car insurance is due next week and I still need to pay my electric and gas. I never pictured myself in this position. Quite frankly, I hate myself right now. I know that there are so many worse off than me as well and if I could, I’d be helping them instead! I have a PayPal link over there on the right. That’s one method to contribute. I also have a cash app on my phone where you can send money as well. My username is $DorothyMarie71. If you have the urge to donate or know someone who can, I’d forever be grateful and would like to pay back as soon as I’m able to. I really don’t know what else to do. I have no parents or grandparents to ask. And the family I do have, quite frankly also struggles.

I’m headed out on this rainy day to do some Ubering. I’m hoping for a good fruitful day!

Peace – Love – Smiles – Blessings

DottieMay ❤

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Rough Memory

Hello friends! Sorry it has been so long since I’ve done a post. I’ve been writing more in my regular journal lately.

A lot has been going on. I’m still in the house but do need to move at some point. I’m really not sure where the road will take me. I still don’t have a job other than Uber Eats deliveries. So I’m still quite broke. I’m really considering leaving this state of Michigan. Maybe I’ll have better luck elsewhere!

I no longer have health insurance. The state cut me off although I’m really not sure why. Anyway, due to that I’ve been off my meds for a couple months now. I’m not taking anything now other than vitamins. I know it’s not what the doctor wanted but I couldn’t afford over $400 for a prescription! I’m really impressed by how well I’m doing though. And a couple days ago was testament to just how well!

On Friday a friend of mine invited me to do a family meeting at The mental hospital where he’s at. Well it just so happens this is the same hospital I spent time at numerous times between 2013 and 2016. I really didn’t know how I’d respond to stepping foot back in this place. However at least this time, I could walk back out on my own in a short time. The meeting went pretty good. Afterwards I stayed for lunch. We had to eat in the unit not in the cafe. So being in the same lounge where I’d been before was pretty interesting. A few of the nurses recognized me. As I was eating and visiting with my friend, my old doctor walked in to talk to one of his patients. This was probably the most difficult to deal with. I disliked that guy so much and hearing his voice again literally made my skin crawl and I wanted to cry! It evoked so many memories of my time there. I used to throw stress balls at that doctor! I thought it was funny at the time. I actually did discreetly tear up a little thinking about all those times in the hospital. It’s Sunday and I’m here again to pick up my friend. I can say I’m doing so well because it didn’t cause me to spiral backwards or anything.

I’m really quite proud of myself. I’m also quite blessed that I’ve been doing so well off the meds considering I removed myself from them. I don’t encourage it but feel I had no other choice. I’ve been doing things to bring joy like going to the lakeshore. The waves are incredibly soothing. I color a lot. Read. Listen to music. Occasionally I’ll play some games like Word Stacks. I have come such a long way since those dark days! Praise God! I do have to agree with my former psych in that a lot of it may have been due to my ex husband. I was in a toxic, no good for me relationship without even realizing it. I’m so glad God knows what’s best even if this past year and a half has been nothing but a struggle and what seems like a never ending storm! I’m so much stronger mentally than I’ve ever been in my life!!!

Go me!!

Peace. Love. Smiles.

Dottie May 🌻

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It’s Been Awhile!

Hello friends!

It’s been so long since I’ve posted. Not much different is going on. I’m still struggling and trying to find a place to live. I have until September. Having poor credit makes it difficult.

I worked for a short time at McDonald’s but they were only giving me about 12 hours a week and I was only getting $9.50 an hour. It just wasn’t worth driving out there for it so it didn’t last. So I continue to look and in the meantime I’m doing Shipt Shopping again.

I no longer have insurance so I haven’t been able to go to therapy. My last appointment was in May so they had to close my case. I also have run out of my meds so I haven’t been taking them. When I called to see how much they were, the one was over $430 and I just cannot afford that. So now I’m doing this mental health journey on my own. I’m actually doing pretty good so far. I don’t know how long it takes meds to clear out of your system.

I’ve been doing a lot of coloring lately. I find it soothing. Much of the time, I take my colored pencils and books and go to a park and color. Usually somewhere with water. And it’s perfect. When I’m at home, I color on my iPad using many different apps.

I also have been journaling daily. It’s just been handwritten in a journal I gifted to myself. It has a personalized bible scripture on each page. It’s so cool to see my name in each new verse each day. On the blank page, I put in a quote or encouraging words and also list three things I’m grateful for. I really have come to enjoy it. And it’s probably part of the reason I haven’t posted here in awhile.

This past Thursday, my aunt and I went to a paint and sip event at The Reptarium in Utica MI. The owner Brian Barczyk has a daily vlog on YouTube and has been in a movie as well. Meeting him was amazing. I had so much fun. I also conquered a huge fear by holding a couple snakes. One was even quite large. Her name was Perdita.

The top picture is Perdita and I. The bottom is of Brian and I with the sign I made. It was such a great time! I will definitely go back again! I highly recommend a visit if you’re ever in the area.

I’ve been talking to someone online and we are getting along pretty well. These days many relationships start online. My sister met her husband online and she lives happily in Hawaii with him. I hope it continues to go well because he’s very kind.

Aside from that, not much has been going on. I hope you’re all doing well.

Peace and Love,

Dottie May 🌻

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